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[NSFW] The Gruesome History of Sex Toys

Sex toys come in all shapes and sizes and the general rule is that if you can imagine a sex toy, then chances are it already exists. But the origins of some of our kinky favourites may be slightly spookier than you would have expected. Whilst researching the humble beginnings of our sexy favourites, some strange similarities between medieval torture devices and a few of the more extreme toys started appearing…

The Horse was a popular torture device that had its victims sitting on a sharply angled, triangular wooden box, putting all their weight on their crotch. After a session on this nasty contraption the victim would be left unable to walk without pain. Fast forward to now and a less extreme version of The Horse can often be found in BDSM playrooms (ahem Mr Grey), often dubbed the wooden pony. This kinky apparatus is used to balance its victim between pleasure and pain, and on top of that it puts them in the perfect position for spanking.

The Horse

Stocks were a public humiliation device back in the day, used to punish petty criminals by locking their feet, hands and sometimes their necks in between carved wooden planks. You will probably have seen people locked up in these whilst having rotten tomatoes pelted at them in various Robin Hood remakes. These remind me of the spreader bars. A bit of a stretch maybe, but these contraptions would keep the legs or arms firmly parted and mildly uncomfortable, just like the popular spreader bondage accessories. Hopefully fewer tomatoes are involved these days, but who am I to judge if that’s what you’re into!The Stocks

Gimp Masks. This one is a bit weird, but did you know that there is this device called the Scold’s Bridle that women who were being accused or witchcraft, bad wives, being rude or even being grumpy had to wear?! These iron masks would have a mouth piece that pressed down on the tongue so the wearer couldn’t talk and it was also common for these women to be put on a leash and paraded around town to humiliate them. So elements of gag play, puppy play, domination play, humiliation play and of course the classic gimp mask can be linked with this bizarre device. However, I doubt the women who had to endure this were getting off on it at the time!

Scold's Bridle

Ok so this next one is really gruesome, but believe it or not, there used to be a device called The Breast Ripper that would act as a pair of giant scissor pincers that – yes, you guessed it – tore women’s boobs off! This one makes me cringe just to imagine it, but you have to admit, if you shrink one of these monsters down, it bears an uncanny resemblance to the more extreme fetish nipple clamps. Again, these clamps are common toys for more extreme fetish play, but in the same way a chicken is related to a dinosaur, it could be possible that the humble nipple clip descended from the horrifying Breast Ripper.

The Breast Ripper

The Rack is one of the more well-known torture devices, but have you ever considered its strange familiarity to bed restraints? Yeah, probably not. This one is a bit of a stretch (yes I realise that was a pun, yes it was intended) but when the victim of the Rack is laid out with their wrists and ankles restrained and their bodies tied down, it does have a faintly kinky air to it.

The Rack

Ok so this one is another slightly gruesome one. The Heretics Fork was a neck collar with a sharp double ended fork on the front that points between your chin and your collar bone to keep your neck high and your body restrained. The victim would probably get pretty bloody, and that was kind of the point. But it is not un-common for bondage play to include a posture collar to keep the wearers chin high and back straight, the same way the sinister Heretics Fork would.

Heretic's Fork

So finally, to end this morbid list on a particularly gory note, the Spanish Tickler is a prime example of a horrendous device that has been translated into a kinky modern day sex toy. This weapon of sorts looks like a sharp and heavy rake that was slowly dragged down the victim’s bare body, slicing up the skin and flesh, so they would bleed out, but not before enduring severe pain. Cut to the present day and age and we have the Cat’s Paw, a sharp and stimulating claw shaped fork that is made to be dragged along the skin for some innocent sensation play. This toy can also be used to inflict some kinky pain, but nothing close to the original.

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Well hopefully you found this as strangely fascinating, if not slightly scary as I did. Perfect for putting you in the mood for some spooky Halloween fun!

The Fall of the Finger

Recently dear readers, we have heard some disturbing rumours. According to several online and therefore hopefully unreliable sources, fingering has gone out of fashion. That’s right, you read that correctly. The age old fingerbang is no more and this blog entry will try to address why this is stupid and how it proves that teenagers are idiots.

It has been said in recent studies that more than ever before, people are just jumping straight into oral sex and skipping out the fingering part. But this poses a worrying thought. What if this trend continues and we start skipping boobs! And then kissing! What if it gets so far that you meet someone on a first date and instead of leaning in for a peck on the cheek, you’re undoing your flies?! No time for a handshake, it’s straight to anal – Slightly extreme I know, but maybe we should be on the safe side and nip it in the bud now.

Fingering is a part of our culture. Back in the dark ages when cavemen discovered fingering, it made for a great after-hunt treat and they loved it so much, that we haven’t stopped since. Why did you think hem lines had been getting progressively shorter since then? Easier access people! What is the point of having a back seat on the bus if fingering isn’t happening? Not to mention the cinema, ferris wheels, bike sheds, your girlfriend’s parent’s sofa, booth tables the list goes on. If people stop fingering each other then there will be a huge dip in hilarious and gross clubbing pictures. Nobody wants that. I’m serious, what will I do on my lunch break if those pictures go away?

Also, you’re just asking for trouble if you go to lick something before you’ve felt out the goods first. What if she has a demon vagina and there you are with your tongue out looking into a portal to hell?! Have you never seen that film Teeth? I would rather lose a hand than my face any day.

So there you have it, teenagers are idiots and they are ruining future sex for everyone. If the next generation can’t do sex right then my crazy cougar years are going to be shit. I don’t want to be hiring a gorgeous, super ripped, 6ft 2”, dark and handsome gardener in 20 years time, sitting out on the decking watching him mow the lawn in the summer heat whilst sipping on a dirty margarita thinking about all the things he could do to me, only to find out that he hasn’t even heard of fingering. What a future disappointment.

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20 Strange Sex Facts

Here is a list of 20 strange facts about sex that you probably didn’t know about, well you may know about some of them. I don’t know your life. From the weird and wacky to the downright bizarre, this list has a little bit of everything.

 

70% of all room service revenue comes from ordering porn. It’s free on the internet people. Just sayin’…

 

If you are caught watching porn in North Korea then the penalty is death.

 

Jackie Chan started his showbiz career by doing a few adult movies. If you know the names of said movies, please leave a comment. I need them for research purposes.

Gymnophoria is the sense that someone is mentally undressing you.

 

The average male orgasm lasts up to 6 seconds and a female orgasm can last up to 23 seconds. #Winning

Seven Viagra tablets are sold every second.

 

The vibrator sex toy was originally invented in the 19th century to reduce hysteria in women. Any excuse huh!

 

The scientific name for morning wood is ‘Nocturnal Penile Tumescence’.

Liquorice can lower your sex drive. *slowly puts down bag of Allsorts*

 

Depending on the quality, a condom can hold up to seven gallons of liquid.

Your pain threshold increases during arousal.

 

‘Objectum Sexuals’ is the name for people who feel an emotional and physical attraction to inanimate objects. Does anyone remember the lady who married the Eiffel Tower? I expect the honeymoon was uneventful.

 

Over 100 million acts of sex happen every single day.

A woman has twice as many nerve endings in her clitoris than a man has in his whole penis.

 

The average vagina is 3 – 4 inches long, but can expand up to 200 percent when
sexually aroused.  
I did not know this. Did anyone know this?!

 

Eating celery makes men more sexually attractive to women as it increases the pheromone levels in a man’s body.

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The term for someone who’s sexually attracted to trees is Dendrophilia.

 

The record for the most female orgasms is 134 in one hour.

 

 

A man’s nipples are just as sensitive as a woman’s. But why do they have them?!?

 

In the early 1500s condoms were made of linen.

So there you are people, you have been educated! Are there any weird and wonderful sexy facts that you would add to our list? Leave us a comment below. In the mean time, don’t use linen condoms. They didn’t work for Casanova, they are not going to work for you.

Why you should be masturbating… right now.

If you love to masturbate, then well done. We approve!

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When it comes to masturbation, there is no end to the rumours and myths out there telling you why you shouldn’t be doing it. For one thing, you’ll probably go blind, you’ll be impotent in later life, it will make you tired and sluggish, it will cause hair to grow on the palms of your hands and the hair on your head to fall out – just to name a few.

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But the truth is, masturbation is as healthy as brushing your teeth! The benefits differ slightly for men and woman, but make no mistake – everyone could gain from a little alone time here and there.

One of the lesser known facts about masturbation is that it is in fact a very healthy thing to do. Some experts claim that men who frequently masturbate are less susceptible to diseases because the act of ejaculating flushes out toxins from their systems. This is the same for women as well. When rubbing one out, the blood flow to a woman’s pelvis and cervix is increased, not only will this flush out old bacteria (which helps with getting rid of urinary tract infections) but it can also be a huge pain reliever for those suffering from menstrual cramps.

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If that isn’t enough to have you reaching for the lube then how about if I tell you masturbation can improve your sleep.

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Dopamine is a hormone that is released during orgasm that is largely responsible for the classic ‘afterglow’ making you feel calm, satisfied and happy – the perfect state to help you drift off to sleep.

These points just skim the surface of how masturbation can improve your health, but there are also lots of non-medical reasons why getting handsy with yourself will improve the way you feel. First off, it makes you feel good.

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This might seem like the obvious argument, and it is, but it should not be overlooked that if we masturbate we feel good and if we feel good we are more upbeat, happy and confident. The hormone levels of dopamine and epinephrine in our bodies rise when we orgasm. These hormones will make us feel happy, relieve emotional stress and sort out any hormonal imbalances in the body that are making us feel bad. In other words, orgasms are your body’s natural pick me up.

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One of the most important things about masturbation that people most often forget is the way it improves your sex life! Think about it – if you don’t know what it is that your body prefers then how is anyone else going to be able to figure it out? Lack of masturbation is one of the biggest reasons for bad sex.

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Not only will you know yourself better after you’ve explored a bit, but you know what they say, practice makes perfect! Like any muscle in your body, if you use it frequently enough then it will get stronger. Men will find themselves having a lot more stamina in the sack and women will find it much easier to get to the point of orgasm. Who wouldn’t want that?

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So if you’re having trouble convincing yourself to take matters into your own hands, these benefits should give you a good indication of what masturbation can do to your body, your emotions and even your love life.

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