What cums once a year? You got it, Confessions of a Wanker is back for a third horny helping! We’ve got more fap-cidents to tickle your pickle, sex toy mishaps, and sticky situations involving mothers-in-law…
Whether you’re a bit of a voyeur or just here for the juicy deets, see out Masturbation Month with a smile!
So, slip into incognito mode and read on for some NSFW laughs…
Ready, Aim, Fire!
“I don’t know about interesting, but I managed to squeeze so hard on my glass dildo when I came that it shot out across the bed!”
Good thing our glass toys are ultra-strong 👀
On Your Marks…
“My wife and I have cum races. Sometimes we masturbate together, other times, we’ll wank each other off. She gets dead competitive, but I love watching her cum, so it’s a win/win for me.”
We love to see some healthy competition 🏁
Listen Up
“Heard my mate’s brother ‘getting busy’ with his girlfriend in the bedroom next door. I couldn’t help myself after they started getting louder and had a sneaky wank.”
Hey, you’re not a peeping tom if you only listened.
Film Buff
“I once got so bored in the cinema… well, one thing led to another.”
Hopefully, no one noticed, unlike one concertgoer’s performance…
Went to see @LAPhil play @Thomasades and Tchaikovsky 5 last night. A woman in the audience had loud and full body ORGASM during the 5th’s second movement… Band politely carried on. Props to LAPhil (and Pytor Ilyich) for bringing it on….
— Magnus Fiennes (@magnusfiennes) April 29, 2023
Five-A-Day
“I use fruit and vegetables to masturbate with.”
Lets be honest, are you a real wanker if you’ve not looked at a banana and thought about it…
Minty Fresh
“My wife masturbates me with a hand full of toothpaste”
We’re not here to kink shame, but maybe try a cooling lubricant for that tingly feeling.
Here’s To You, Mrs. Robinson
“I’ve masturbated holding my mother-in-law’s panties while looking at photos of her. I get so hard imagining her walking in as I finish on her knickers.”
The struggles of having a MILF for a mother-in-law 🤤
Whistle While You Work
“Sexting my partner while at work, I had to sneak off into the toilets to sort myself out. My heart nearly stopped when I heard a colleague come in just as I was about to cum.”
You’re not alone, 40% of people surveyed admitted to wanking at work!
Lock & Load
“My keyholder went away and left me in chastity. I still managed to get myself off through my cage while riding the train home.”
Coming outta my cage and I’ve been doing just fine 🎶
Hot Stuff
“I had some ‘me time’ and thought I’d get creative with a pestle. Smooth, hard, and designed for your hand, what could go wrong? But the bliss I expected turned into a burning bush! I had completely forgotten I’d used it earlier that night to grind chilis!
Cue a trip to A&E. Never again!”
God bless the NHS 😂
Extra Cream
“My ex-girlfriend enjoyed it when I masturbated over her desert until I came, then she ate it.”
Really adds a whole different meaning to ‘Eton mess’ 😋
Put A Sock In It
“I gagged myself with a sock once!”
I just hope the sock was clean…
Sir Wanker-Lot
“Once, my wife and I were in the ruins of a castle, and she commanded me to get down on my knees and have a wank, all while standing over me.”
Who needs a queening chair when you can be queen of the castle?
Well done wankers for another year! Got stories of your own to share? Pop them in the comments below. Craving more? Why not check out our previous Sex Confessions articles!
LM
May 18, 2023 at 11:15 pmI am now past my 70th birthday and sadly my wife can no longer engage in sexual activity so masturbation is my one release although I need a little pill to do it. My one confession is that I have got a lot of pleasure from joining a masturbation chat site where I can chat with like minded people and enjoy a good wank at the same time. There are both male & female members on this site some hetero, some gay, some Bi so a good variety of people.