They certainly didn’t cover these in school lessons! Lift the togas, give that codpiece a squeeze, and take a peek at the past’s saucy side with these eight titillating tidbits of horny history.
1. Ancient Greek Tiny Todgers
If you’ve ever been sucking up the culture and history in a museum, you’ve probably noticed that Ancient Greek men had one thing in common. One small thing…
Now, of course, a flaccid penis is going to look on the skinny side compared to its hot-blooded alter ego! But, the Ancient Greeks weren’t into ‘Small Penis Humiliation‘; in fact, quite the opposite. It was thought that having Monster-sized man meat meant you were controlled by lust, while a pintsized peen allowed you to remain stoic and rational.
This all came to a head (pun intended) in the fertility God, Priapus, and his supersized schlong. Donkeys are a symbol of this God; you can probably imagine why. If Socrates shuddered at the thought of a penis pump, Priapus never put his down!
2. Secret Agent Special Sauce
It’s World War One. You’re a secret agent needing to sneak a message to Mata Hari, but you’re out of invisible ink! What could you use instead?
In one of history’s best too-good-to-be-true moments, Captain Sir Cumming suggested that spies should communicate (or cummunicate) with invisible ink… made out of cum.
With a nearly inexhaustible supply, it was enthusiastically suggested to Cumming’s agents, including Sidney Riley, who would inspire infamous espionage playboy James Bond. One spy even kept a full bottle of baby batter at his desk, we can only assume he had Cum Drops in his rations.
However, they stopped the use due to the smell by the time the letters reached the receiver. Plus, it upset Edwardian sensibilities at the very idea of agents wanking at work.
3. Eggs, Bread, Dildos…
Did you know dildos are older than civilization? Across horny history, these fun phalluses have been crafted from all kinds of materials, but what if you couldn’t carve your own dildo and private internet shopping was still centuries away?
Remarkably, markets sold some sex toys under the moniker ‘love birds’, a bit like finding a basic Durex cock ring in Boots. However, to find something special, you’d need to pay a visit to Mrs Philips in Leicester Square.
A renowned purveyor of so-called ‘Venusian wares’, Mrs Philips kept 1700s London stocked with condoms, sex pills, “widow’s comforters” (including the double-ended kind), and catered to kinkier tastes with made-to-order flagellation devices.
Speaking of condoms…
4. Casanova’s Condoms
One of history’s most famous lovers, Giacomo Casanova, practised safe sex. Or at least as safe as he could be when protection was made from questionable materials.
By far, condoms made from animal intestines (yes, like sausages) were the most popular. There were also linen ones, but wearers complained about the seam! Held on by a silk ribbon, ye olde johnnies were reusable too and needed drying on a line along with their socks.
What’s that got to do with Casanova? The lothario had an age-old party trick to ease any worries about getting pregnant or catching the much-feared syphilis that was roaring through Europe. Casanova would inflate his ‘English riding coats’ like a balloon, reassuring his lovers there were no holes in the condom.
5. Hysterically Wrong About Vibrators
You’ve probably heard that Victorian doctors invented vibrators to ‘treat’ women diagnosed with hysteria. Turns out we’ve all been misled by a suggestion.
The first vibrator was invented by Joseph Granville in the late 1880s. Named the Precusser, or ‘Granville’s Hammer’, it was actually a male vibrator and supposed to treat impotence. In fact, Granville specified that it wasn’t to be used on women! He claimed he didn’t want to be ‘hoodwinked… by the vagaries of the hysterical state‘. However, I think it might have something to do with mixing unearthed electrics with wet body parts.
No doubt, there were devices that women repurposed in the meantime. However, it wasn’t until the 1960s, when Betty Dodson introduced women to masturbating with back massagers, that the massage wand was born.
6. Horny Han Dynasty (Maybe?)
So, if dildos are old, how old are butt plugs? At least 2,000 years if the Han Dynasty is anything to go by.
Excavations of graves and tombs of this elite Chinese dynasty have revealed a hollow bronze dildo, possibly worn as a strap-on, and this jade and bronze butt plug.
Officially, researchers claim the butt plug was not for sexual purposes. Instead, it was a funeral accessory supposed to ‘seal up’ a body and prevent ‘chi’ from escaping.
Now, these seals were bespoke – a mouth seal found in a similar tomb was shaped like a cicada. So, you might raise an eyebrow why this one had to be dick shaped plug with a flared base…
7. A Sailor-Made Sex Toy
The 1600s saw the birth of the colonial period, but all that expansion meant long, lonely voyages and not a woman in sight.
Sea-faring superstitions forbid women from joining such travels, so if a sailor couldn’t wait until the next port, he could seek comfort in the arms of a ‘Dame de Voyage’.
Often stuffed with straw and sawdust, these life-sized cloth companions were the first sex dolls. However, even dressing up the sexy scarecrows in the fanciest lingerie wouldn’t have hidden the wear and tear from being shared by several people!
8. Medieval Mis-Conceptions
The ‘Orgasm Gap‘ is a hot debate topic in the sexual wellness world right now, but did you know it was a Medieval concern as well?
Medieval doctors believed that a woman couldn’t get pregnant unless she orgasmed during sex, preferably simultaneously with her husband. It came from the “logic” that women were inverted men, so if he ejaculated seed, then so did she.
With that in mind, doctors had some strange suggestions for hopeful couples. Short of having a heated toy, it was recommended to apply chewed-up peppercorns (ouch) to the tip of the penis to give a wife ‘incredible delectation’. Meanwhile, one text claimed men should remain inside their partner for at least an hour to make sure ‘the seminal matter does not scatter’. Cock warming, anyone?
Want to learn about the awful origins of BDSM toys? Check out The Gruesome History of Sex Toys. Do you know a horny history fact? We’d love to hear it in the comment below!
Image Credits
Bronze statuette of a huntsman, 250BC-100BC. Courtesy of The British Museum.
Casanova and the condom, 1872. Courtesy of PPOC, Library of Congress.
Phallus, unearthed from Tomb 1, Dayun Mountain, Xuyi, Jiangsu, 206BCE-220BCE. Courtesy of Yizheng Museum.
