Steak & BJ Day: A Recipe for Suck-Cess

Rumps and Romps. Fillets and Fellatio. Sirloins and Sucking. Best. Day. Ever.

With restaurants closed this Sunday 14^th March, you’ll have to rely on your culinary skills to satisfy him before, ahem, dessert.

So, if you want to tickle his tackle and his tastebuds, but your home cooking expertise ends at the microwave – We got you!

Serve the man in your life a tantalising feast with our step-by-step recipe and oral sex guide.

Whether blow jobs in your household are rare or well-done, he’s never had a more delicious reason to dine inside…

Mains

Sticky Fillet Steak

INGREDIENTS:

• 2 prime fillet steaks (1’ thick)
• 16 asparagus tips
• 16 slices of Parma ham or pancetta
• A dash of olive oil
• 2 Garlic cloves, crushed or finely chopped
• 1 tbsp brown sugar
• 1 large white onion, chopped
• 2 tbsp sunflower oil
• 100g blue stilton, crumbled
• 100g honey
• 100ml Worcester sauce
• 1 tsp salt

METHOD:

(20 mins prep. time / 10 minutes cooking time)

1. Dice the onion into small pieces and gently fry at low heat with the sunflower oil. This will take the longest time and require some intermittent stirring to ensure the onions don’t burn. We want them to caramelize nicely and turn crispy without going too black. When they begin to reduce, add the brown sugar and stir in to help with the caramelization. If the timings go off and these are done before the rest of the dish, put them in a bowl and keep them warm in a low oven.
2. Boil a pan of water and add the asparagus tips until slightly soft or blanched. This will take less than 5 mins. Then drain off the water and individually wrap each spear in Parma ham or pancetta.
3. Add the wrapped asparagus to the onion pan separately to toast the pancetta. Don’t let them overcook here, just enough to darken the meat a little and then remove from the heat and keep warm in a top oven.
4. Heat a small saucepan with the honey and Worcestershire sauce. There is a little trial and error here; we want to reduce the sauce a lot until it pours like honey, but the heat will keep it runny until it cools. Reduce it until it’s slightly thicker than water (around olive oil consistency), and this should thicken to the right consistency when cooled. Taste the sauce regularly to make sure the ratio is right; add a little more Worcestershire or honey to balance out whichever flavour shines through the most! Then keep it to one side to cool.
5. Add sunflower oil to a cast iron pan or skillet and heat until the pan fizzes when you add drops of water (hot!). Crush the garlic cloves on a chopping board with the side of a large knife and add them to the oil. Leave them there until they start to turn golden, and then remove them. This will flavour the oil. But, make sure all the garlic is removed as overcooked garlic goes bitter very quickly.
6. Tenderize the fillets with a few light blows to break up any sinew, but make sure not to flatten them. Rub in a little salt and Worcestershire sauce, then add olive oil to seal them.
7. With the cast iron pan or skillet hot, add the steaks. The pan should be hot enough to sizzle the steak on contact. This will seal the meat nicely.
8. For a rare steak, cook 1 minute on the first side, then flip for another 3 minutes on the second side. The medium will be 2 minutes on one side and then 4 on the other. If you want it well done: Stop reading and rethink your life.
9. Spoon the sauce in a zig-zag pattern over a wooden chopping board for a modern presentation, and add the wrapped asparagus in a diagonal pattern as a bed for the steak. If the sauce isn’t too rich, add more over the top here.
10. Add the steaks, then some crispy onions and crumbled stilton with a little more sauce on top to bind it together and serve. The meal won’t stay hot for long so don’t waste any time! And remember to keep the left-over sauce as a dip during the meal. Bon appetit!

Dessert

Blow Job Surprise

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 freshly showered schlong
• 1 pint of iced water
• Oral Sex Lip Oil or Vaseline lip balm
• Slip ‘N’ Slide flavoured lube (cherry, strawberry, passion fruit, and chocolate flavours available)
• Crotchless underwear for him
• Candy cock ring
• Cock ring of your choice
• Flavoured condoms (where necessary)
• Mint BJ Spray
• 1 hair tie

METHOD:

(5 minutes prep. time / 10 minutes cooking time)

1. Your mouth is where the party’s at, so brush those pearly whites! This stimulates saliva, banishes dry mouth and primes your mouth for a minty, tingling sensation.
2. Now, grab a glass of iced water for half-time refreshment. He will appreciate the cold, wet sensation – or the interplay of an ice cube or two.
3. Let him know exactly what time it is. Long hair? Whip it up into a cute ponytail. And remember to apply your favourite lip oil or balm for added lubrication.
4. The porno BJ follows the kneeling/facial format, but lay your man down on the comfortable bed so he can focus on his pleasure. Your knees will thank you!
5. If you feel like giving him the Hollywood BJ experience, kneel in front of him beside a mirror (knee cushion optional), so he can watch the action from all angles. Men are visually stimulated, so we promise he’ll go wild at the sight!
6. And it’s not just ladies who enjoy foreplay! It’s a huge turn-on for men to feel desired, objectified and teased, so ravage him before you go downtown. Kissing and caressing his body will let him know how much you crave his cock.
7. Paying extra attention to your man’s junk as you prepare for a BJ will make him feel special and build sensual suspense. Crotchless undies, cock rings, flavoured condoms and candy rings can be fun and functional, stimulating and enforcing his erection for unbeatable oral.
8. Dry mouth is common in the heat of the moment. So, try seasoning his schlong with kissable flavoured lubes or pop a sour candy for a burst of oral hydration that sweetens your dude’s dick.
9. Now, take his member into your mouth, making an O-shape with pouted lips as you work your mouth all the way down. Men love blow jobs because they feel like vaginal sex but with more suction, so don’t be afraid to use your tongue as a seal and lock on! Just remember to relax your jaw and avoid gnashing him with your teeth, and you’re golden!
10. Now, take your time – no one likes to be rushed. An unforgettable BJ is all about the race, not the finish line. Not all guys ejaculate via oral sex, and performance anxiety is a thing regardless of gender. Plus, this BJ doesn’t need to be the main course, if you know what I’m saying 😉
11. Moan enthusiastically with him deep inside your mouth. Humming on his humdinger will stimulate his member with deep vibrations, plus he’ll love to hear how much you’re enjoying yourself!
12. Don’t worry if your guy is quiet throughout – He’s focussed on his pleasure. But, if you need cheering on, encourage him to reciprocate your enthusiasm by asking, “Is that good?”.
13. If your mandible is beginning to feel the burn, now’s the time to tag in your hands. Make an AOK shape with your thumb and index finger of each hand, and give him a double-handed handie. An optical illusion of sorts – He’ll love the idea that you can wrap both hands around his cock!
14. DING DING! It’s half-time, so glug that iced water, baby. This refresher will hydrate you and relax the back of your mouth for deeper oral penetration. And why not take an ice cube into your mouth for an added surprise upon re-entry?
15. To reintroduce your mouth, create a seal around the head with your lips and tongue and perform an upwards ‘juicing’ motion with both hands around his shaft to tease.
16. Now, remove your hands and begin to work the head into the back of your throat. Indeed, deeper oral activates your salivary glands for a silkier suck – and your gag reflex! Therefore, feel free to use your hands when you inevitably need to come up for air. Not to mention, he’ll love the sound of you gagging, the dirty rascal!
17. Dual stimulation sets the stage in the last third for an explosive finish. So, involve the balls with gentle tugging and sucking – Gargle those bad boys if you so choose! Advanced fellators might also pay special attention to his perineum (taint) and (if he’s into it) asshole with a light circling pressure using your fingers or tongue.
18. And when he’s ready to blow, it’s time for the pièce de résistance. So, remove your hands and make deep, sweeping motions with your lips up and down, drawing the blood flow toward the tip on each upstroke.
19. As your guy’s piece begins to rumble just before climax – it’s time to slowwww down. And if you’re feeling charitable, take this opportunity to ask where he would like to shoot his load? It’s Steak and BJ Day, after all.
20. Finally, spitting or swallowing his special sauce is down to you. So, don’t fret about being unhospitable, Chef! His mind is blown from the gourmet BJ you’ve just dished out.

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Oral Sex Extras

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So, have we inspired you to cook up a climax or two this Sunday 14th March?

Your thoughts are important to us, and we LOVE to read your comments, so sound off in the box below…

But, until next time – Bon appetit!