Kinky or not, taking care of each other is a must. From cuddles and spa treatments, to a spot of Savlon and pillow talk, read on to learn about aftercare and how it can improve your sex life.
Just like you might stretch after a workout or apply aftersun when you’ve been on the beach, it’s essential to take care of yourself and your partner after a sexual encounter. Sex dungeon optional.
What is ‘aftercare’?
You’ve probably been doing aftercare in your ‘regular’ sex life without even knowing it. Cuddled and asked them what they liked? Did you get them a glass of water or a flannel to clean up? Congrats, that’s aftercare, blog over.
Put simply, aftercare is the physical and emotional tasks you and your partner take after sex or other BDSM activities to make sure you’re both okay. It’s not exclusive to kinky couples, but between physical pain and overwhelming stimulation, it is a fundamental of fetish and vital for a healthy bondage dynamic.
Why is it important?
The deed’s done, and your partner immediately rolled over or started swiping through Instagram. How did it make you feel? Hurt? Used? If that sounds familiar, you already know the importance of aftercare.
In a BDSM scene, these feelings can be exaggerated. While you know any harm involved doesn’t threaten your safety, your instincts might not be on the same page. Even with consent there’s no stopping the adrenaline rush that comes from blurring the lines between pleasure and pain.
Aftercare allows for a reset, emotionally and physically, and cushions any lows that might follow. It also helps you recalibrate to ‘normal’ if you’re not dominant/submissive outside the bedroom.
Who needs aftercare?
Everyone. Not even Dominants can squirm out of this one. Submissives bear the brunt of impact play or the emotional hurt that consensual humiliation requires. The coming down from the endorphins can leave subs feeling exhausted, vulnerable, or confused. This is called a ‘sub drop’.
Doms may experience something similar, called ‘top drop,’ as the feel-good hormones wear off, and they can become irritable or drained. There’s also ‘Dom guilt,’ where the dominant partner feels guilt over hurting their partner and needs reassurance that they didn’t go too far. People who are not dominant outside the bedroom might feel this more than lifestyle sadists. Not hurting others is drilled into us as children, so going against this, especially in a relationship, can be hard.
How do I perform aftercare?
Everyone’s aftercare needs are different. Generally, aftercare comes in two ‘flavours’ – physical and emotional. Don’t worry; you’ll learn your needs through practice and discussing expectations with your playmate. The first step is always to ask for it!
If you’re new to BDSM an easy starting point is to provide water and a snack afterwards. You should also offer, for example, to put cream on spanked bottoms or massage wrists that have been restrained – depending on the kind of kink you practice. Other examples include:
- Getting wrapped tightly in a blanket
- Cuddling together
- Watching a film or ‘comfort show’
- Taking a bath or shower
- Spending time alone
- Reviewing the session together
There’s also the practical side of clearing away toys and messes or changing the sheets. Some will leave that until they’ve recovered, while others will jump out of bed to avoid lying in the wet spot!
Final thoughts
So, remember that there’s no one way to practice aftercare. By incorporating aftercare in your relationship, BDSM or otherwise, you’re deepening trust and improving communication to create a safe environment to explore your desires.
And, frankly, anyone who opposes aftercare probably isn’t a very good partner anyway.
