Welcome to an all-new Bondara series, Kink Aware! So, let’s start at the beginning; How do you discuss introducing BDSM with your partner?
From vanilla to veteran, this is advice all budding kinksters should know! We’re going to focus on that first conversation and discussion about BDSM in this article, so don’t worry about whipping out any sex toys just yet.
Introducing BDSM
First, let’s explain what BDSM means:
- B&D – Bondage and Discipline
- D&S – Domination and Submission
- S&M – Sadism and Masochism
Now, just because you want to explore BDSM, does not mean you need to be interested in all aspects of this many-layered acronym. A cornerstone of kink is how customisable it is and how you can make it fit your needs as a partnership; No two dynamics are the same and often don’t look like the infamous 50 Shades.
To get started, you need to understand the three most important parts of BDSM: Trust, Consent and Communication. If you take these key points into account, then exploring this pleasurable practice can be one of the safest ways to experience sex.
Trust
You CANNOT engage in BDSM activities without trust. Trust is the starting block that every interaction is built on. Having a bond with your partner is important because this kind of relationship can be complex and, at times, intense. So, you need to know that your other half will respect your boundaries.
Communication
Establishing consent requires communication. Therefore, before your approach your partner about delving into the world of kink, it’s important that you do your own research. Make sure you’ve read about things that interest you and rule out what you’re not interested in.
Once you feel prepared, approach your partner about introducing BDSM in your relationship. We know it’s not quite as simple as just starting a conversation, so if it feels too intense, don’t push yourself to blurt out you’d like to be spanked over dinner. Try leaving them a cheeky note or watching a movie with some saucy scenes and asking them if it interests them.
Consent
Now you’ve got communication down, you can go over consent. For BDSM to work, everyone involved needs to be invested, so don’t go into this half-arsed or feeling pressured. Many people use RACK and SSC as a baseline of consent, so they know all parties involved are on the same page:
RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink – What is the risk? Are they fully informed of any risks? Do they consent to this activity knowing those risks?
SSC – Safe, Sane, Consensual – Is it safe? Is everyone involved of sound mind? Therefore are they able to give informed consent?
From here, it’s up to you and your partner to go over what you’d like to engage in. Use RACK and SSC as a way to go over any gaps in knowledge, weed out any questions either of you have and set the guidelines for what scenes will look like.
Let’s Ease into It Slowly
So, you’ve brought up your interests with your lover, and they want to chat about it; Excellent! This next bit is the most important to ensure you have a safe, fun time together.
- Break down your wants, needs & desires and what you’d like to achieve by exploring BDSM.
- These are renegotiable at ANY point in time!
- Discuss any previous experience – this includes BDSM or vanilla sex. Talk about what you like eg toys, fantasies, known kinks.
- Lay out your aftercare needs and establish a safeword – verbal or non-verbal. We’re going to do a separate article dedicated to safe words, but we recommend the traffic light system for beginners.
At the end of the day, if you’ve thoroughly talked through how BDSM will work for your relationship, and you have well-informed consent and established trust, then all that’s left is you have fun and dive in together!
Whether you’re doing your own research or your partner has sent this article to begin that first conversation, we wish you good luck with your exploration. Keep an eye out for more Kink Aware blogs about the basics of BDSM coming your way soon!
