Humans come in all shapes and sizes, and our brains are all wired differently. Being a person is complex! Sex and intimacy can be an equally confusing space to navigate at the best of times. It can be silly, awkward and downright vulnerable, so it’s essential to keep an open and inclusive mind when getting down and dirty. So, how can neurodivergence, and more specifically autism, influence sex?
When I had a look online, there wasn’t a lot of information available for autistic individuals to learn or feel validated, despite research highlighting that there needs to be more inclusion for the disabled community in Sex Ed. More so, it doesn’t help that there is current censorship of language surrounding sexuality and sensuality online, which makes education even more challenging to access, specifically for autistic people who may not be able to read between the lines of “wellness” branding, especially if they are literal thinkers. Circumnavigating censorship is more damaging to communities and culture rather than clever. It is not as inclusive as they think it is.
If you want to find out more, the non-profit organisation CensHERship are driving a campaign to end the censorship of women’s health and sexual health content.
Autism can cause differences in sensory processing, communication and emotional regulation, so naturally, you’d expect sex to be a different experience for those individuals. Remember, autism is a spectrum disorder, so every person’s experience is different.
Sensory Intensity vs Sensory Seeking
For some, types of touch may be super overwhelming, and others may not be as sensitive. Through solo sex, people can experiment with different levels of tactile play and understand what feels pleasurable and what doesn’t. There’s absolutely no harm in experimenting with pinwheels, ticklers, bondage rope, and vibrators to find out what does it for you!
You may be driven towards certain sensory-seeking behaviours through instinct and experimentation. I have a few clues as to why the small amount of research out there suggests why BDSM/Kink/Fetish community spaces appeal to autistic individuals, one of those being that niche sensory-seeking activities are embraced and can be self-soothing.
Shibari (Japanese Rope Bondage) is deemed a work of art rather than a wholly sexual practice. It can be deeply soothing for the bonded and aesthetically pleasing for the bounder, with repetitive movements and patterns used to create intricate restraints.
Communication Styles
Expressing needs can be different for autistic individuals, who may develop niche communication styles that are different from the considered ‘norm’. Some people may be blunt about their needs, have firm boundaries, and require their partners to be equally blunt, especially when people struggle with literal interpretation.
Other people may feel more comfortable expressing their needs before engaging in any sexual activity, writing things down, or stopping sex to express a need. A lot of sex and intimacy rely heavily on non-verbal cues and body language, which may be fine for some but more confusing for others. Hence, communication styles need to be understood and heard.
Emotional Regulation
Have you ever cried after sex? Sex can be overwhelming, especially with the rush of hormones that can come (pun intended) after climaxing. I’ve sure been known to shed a few tears post-orgasm! For those with autism, not only may they be overwhelmed by their senses and super sensitive to these hormonal changes, but they may also be quicker to express emotions and slower to regulate them. Others may experience an overwhelming internal shift but find expressing this difficult – so finding out how to express yourself when needed is helpful for everyone!
Relationship Dynamics
Clear communication around relationship details and expectations will also help with emotional regulation, as autism can affect attachment styles. If you’re ever unsure – ask! Autism can mean that you develop some unique preferences and varied sexual interests that others may never have heard of or tried. Just because you’re into something that isn’t the social norm doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you! If what you’re into is safe and legal, there is no reason to keep it to yourself. Clear communication, enthusiastically maintained consent, and sharing vulnerable interests will help you figure out who you’re compatible with!
Anxiety
Neurotypical people can and do struggle with a fear of rejection, although this fear may be intensified as part of the neurodivergent experience. The stress from imagined rejection can lead some people to struggle with open and honest communication. It is far better to ensure your needs are being met rather than avoiding potential rejection, as it is healthier for everyone involved (for both physical and mental health). Furthermore, this practice will help you to build self-esteem and confidence.
Routine
Some autistic folks strongly desire routine so that spontaneous play may be overwhelming. Ensuring sex is scheduled at an appropriate time for everyone involved can help to minimise discomfort and potential autistic meltdown. On the other hand, some people may have particular structural preferences, desiring to have each step talked through and understood before the act to avoid surprises.
Routine is ultimately about building good habits. By figuring out your preferences, contraception, and communication style, you can avoid a lot of discomfort.
The bottom line
Consent: Enthusiastic consent should be gained and maintained throughout sex and play. Check-in with your partner when you want to try something new, and never assume that they’ll be okay with something because of past experiences. Talk about how this will look/sound/feel!
Contraception: Wrap it before you tap it! Have a browse to figure out what works for you, but with the rise of STIs in the general population and the lack of tailored Sex Ed for every community, mitigating the risk of contracting something like Chlamydia or experiencing an unwanted pregnancy is very important. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Communicate: If you have something to say, say it! Remember that your comfort is critical, and you can withdraw consent at any time and establish boundaries.
Comfort: If your body tells you you are uncomfortable, listen to it! Stop, communicate, change or stop.
Have fun: Above all else, have fun! Sex should be a safe and expressive place that feels good. If it doesn’t feel good/fun, then don’t have sex! Everything is valid. We’re all human, and what that looks like to you is valid.
Please leave a comment for others about your neurodivergent experiences around intimacy and sex! You know we love to learn as much as you do. I’d love to see more research into the effects of autism on sex and intimacy.
