Bondara knows that pleasure empowers people. So, we chatted with @Disabled_Eliza and @TheChronicIconic to talk about all things sex and disability.
In this candid interview, we bust the myth that disabled people don’t have sex, discuss representation and accessibility and what this means for the sex toy industry and reveal how, when society fails to acknowledge disabled sexuality, it’s the ultimate rebellion to prove people wrong!
Read on to discover why self-love is fundamental for the body and mind and which Bondara products Jess and Eliza love!
Please tell us a little bit about yourselves!
Eliza: Hi, I’m Eliza. I’m a Disabled Content Creator. I create content all about disability awareness and being LGBT. My pronouns are they/them. I am non-binary and bisexual, and I basically just talk about my experiences as a disabled person, as somebody who has been disabled since birth. As I’ve gotten older, my disabilities have impacted me more in different ways. I’m autistic too. Oh, and I love rainbows!
Jess: I’m Jess. My pronouns are she/her. I do quite a lot of work around disability online as well. I was primarily an artist before that kicked off. I have several progressive disabilities that mean as I’ve got older, the way that I relate to my body and the world and all of that has changed. It’s been a bit of a learning curve. I’m also autistic and ADHD!
Why did you get into advocacy? And what does it mean to you to represent the disabled community online?
Eliza: It’s a big question! I always say I’m just one disabled person existing in the world with my experience. I guess I wanted to start talking about it online because I wasn’t seeing it being spoken about very much. Also, I felt like I wasn’t really seeing people that look like me, and I wanted to explore that. I initially found it hard to find the community, but then I felt that those who were talking about it helped me so much to learn this part of myself. I wanted to give back to a community that helped me so much in a way that worked for me, in a way that I loved. I’ve made so many friends from this community, Jess being one of them, that I just wouldn’t have without doing this work. The disabled community definitely saved my life, and I guess I just wanted to give back a little bit. I know @Luuudaw talks about this a lot too – I’ve also learnt a lot from her as well!
Jess: It wasn’t a conscious choice. I think I’ve always been someone who’s a bit of an oversharer! Prior to identifying as disabled, like many neurodivergent people, I was misdiagnosed with several psychiatric conditions and a lot of the stuff that I was speaking about online was heavily centred around that.
Jess: A lot of it, to be honest, was quite a selfish, cathartic process of screaming into the void. It started to get traction, and I was really baffled by it because I didn’t think anyone would want to see me moaning about life! But it just grew, and, similar to Eliza, I’d seen the representation of disability online, but it was so polarised, and there didn’t seem to be that much showing the in-between bits, the highs and the lows together. As I started doing that, quite a lot of people started to reach out to me to say, “It’s really refreshing to see these parts that maybe aren’t always shown”. I just didn’t realise it was something people would want to interact with, but that’s just sort of how it grew.
The disabled community definitely saved my life.
Eliza, @Disabled_ Eliza
At Bondara, we’ve made a big effort to push for better representation… But I’m wondering how do you see disabled representation within the sex toy community? How do you see things changing?
Eliza: I definitely think there’s always room for more improvement when it comes to disability. I very rarely see much rep at all – apart from on social media, which I think is a good start. Given that it’s such a wide spectrum, you’re never going to make something that’s fully accessible for every single disabled person; it’s just not possible! But when we talk about accessible toys, there aren’t many that have actually been designed for disabled people, or disabled people are kind of an afterthought. There are a few popping up, which is really exciting, but I definitely think there’s a lot more work that can be done to ensure when we’re making toys, it’s not just like, “Oh, how does this feel for a non-disabled person?”, we consider “How accessible is this for a disabled person?”. Sometimes when we talk about representation, we can just say, “We need more disabled models”, and we totally do, but then where’s that conversation behind the scenes?
Jess: I think there’s a really interesting thing happening on social media, with tokenism of disabled people. It’s like, “Oh look! We’ve got these cripples holding our sex toys in a picture!” But how much of that is a conversation behind the scenes? I’ve had a few companies who are starting out who interviewed me and loads of others with different, varied disabilities to create toys sole just for disabled people. But we’re not just a homogenous group. I have really poor manual dexterity; for someone else, that could be completely irrelevant!
Jess: Also, I’m such a slut for sexy underwear – I love it! but because I have tubing coming out of my body, I can’t wear most of my underwear. A lot of sex toy brands do sell underwear, and there’s nothing that’s really been factored in with accessibility, and I don’t see much in terms of actual adaptive clothing. You can have a really gorgeous underwear set…that’s front fastening too! I think the sex toy industry relies on promoting what people find beautiful or attractive, and unfortunately, that leaves out a massive demographic of people. So, that’s something that I’d like to see change.
We wanted to sit down with you to get a better idea of the ways we can improve accessibility for our disabled customers. While surface-level marketing is an inevitable factor of today’s business model, we’d like to think that Bondara has an authentic and dedicated approach to it, and we want to do better!
Jess: I wouldn’t bother engaging with a brand that I didn’t feel had their ethics or ethos in the right place, however, I do think that Bondara has definitely superseded so many brands on this! From the get-go, you immediately went to work with disabled creators, and I think a lot of brands will only do that when they see other brands doing it first!
People feel uncomfortable that I’m talking about sex, and have questions that are also inappropriate.
Eliza, @Disabled_Eliza
That’s good to know! Can you share with us what accessibility features you look for in your sex toys?
Eliza: How easy is it to manoeuvre, how easy is it to hold, is it too heavy, and how easy is it to clean? All those things I’m thinking about when I’m looking at sex toys. I look for something that doesn’t overly vibrate because it can cause quite a lot of pain or even dislocations in my hands. But then you don’t want something that you can’t feel! I have issues with oversensitivity, but somebody else may struggle with minimised sensitivity. So a toy that works for me won’t work for another person, maybe even with the same disability as me. I personally am not someone who is able to experience penetration very safely all the time, so I would probably choose a clitoral toy, and I would also look at how easy it is to navigate the buttons and how easy it is to change the settings.
Jess: Yeah, for me, how easy something is to grip is important. For instance, I’ve not yet found a massage wand – a very popular toy that most people have – that’s safe for me to use. I’m the opposite to Eliza, opting for stronger vibrators because I have spinal cord damage – a lot of the lower half of my body and the nerves don’t function. But also, the walls on the housing estate I live on are paper thin, so the quieter the vibration, the better for me! I used to really like suction toys, but they’re pretty redundant for the most part. It has to fit my body, and so I choose hands-free sex toys that can latch onto me so I don’t have to be holding them – that’s great!
A common myth I’ve come across in research for our chat is that disabled people don’t have sex or seek pleasure. How does this kind of stereotype present in your life, and how do you overcome it?
Eliza: Yeah, it’s an interesting stereotype. I think you get many different reactions when you are a disabled person and you start talking about sex. I kind of call myself a ‘palatable’ disabled person. I’m a wheelchair user, and people kind of get that. They think you can’t walk, even though that’s not why someone would use a wheelchair, but that’s their understanding. So, when I talk about sex is going to be very different for somebody else with a different disability. I experience infantilisation; people feel uncomfortable that I’m talking about sex and have questions that are also inappropriate – asking for explicit details of how I am able to do it, which isn’t appropriate to random people online! But mainly, it’s “Oh, I didn’t know that you would do that”, “Who’s going to want to do that with you?” or “How does it even work?”. People are surprised that disabled people are in this space and even talking about it!
Eliza: Seeking pleasure is not necessarily always a beneficial decision in a day because it could make my energy drop, but the mental health side of it might outweigh that, and it’s for the individual person to decide.
People ask incredibly invasive questions because they’re so fascinated, and it can be quite degrading. But then on the flip side, there are obviously people who fetishize of disability, so it’s hard to navigate.
Jess, @TheChronicIconic
Jess: Yeah, I mean, it’s a fascinating thing. Prior to being visibly disabled, no one bats an eyelid because they don’t look at you with this fascination. But I think there’s a real polarity that I see on social media. People ask incredibly invasive questions cause they’re so fascinated, and it’s quite degrading, but then on the flip side, there are obviously people who fetishize of disability, so it’s hard to navigate.
Jess: I think the main thing is curiosity. I’ve had a catheter for years, and I think a lot of people are like, “ Well, how does that work?”, “What’s the logistics?” and there’s an element of almost repulsion where it’s like a lot of people might see me and Eliza and say “, Oh yeah, they’re attractive people”, but then once you zoom out and see the disability, there’s this weird conflict you see a lot of people have, and that’s when the invasive questions happen.
Jess: I’m someone that’s always experienced pelvic pain, and penetration can be painful for me, so it’s something that I’ve had to avoid in the past. But people are always surprised that I’ve had a wild sexual past which I’m glad I’ve had because I know there’s stuff I can’t do now.
Eliza: People are still surprised that my partner stayed with me throughout me getting more and more unwell, and they’re like, “Oh my God, what a hero, they’re still with you after all those years”, and I’m like, “ Yeah, I’m actually quite okay to date”. It’s just very weird!
Jess: I think people can’t see outside of it if someone falls into the carer category. Because all relationships have that dynamic regardless of disability, but people can’t seem to separate that someone can wipe your bum but can still have sex with you, you know? People just can’t understand it!
Jess and Eliza’s Favourites
Turn up the SEX-factor in our Latex Suspender Dress by Siren to feel slick, sexy and strong.
Comfort is the key to red-hot sensuality in this soft cup suspender set from Bondara Flirt!
Take the strain out of your hygiene game with the cleansing power of ultraviolet with this Sex Toy Sanitising Pouch And Storage Bag from Bondara.
In your journey to overcome these stereotypes, what has connecting with your sexuality looked like? What tools have you used to overcome these social taboos?
Eliza: For me, it’s just talking about sex and pleasure and just having that conversation which we’re doing now! I always say communication is key, it’s such a great way to make sure everyone has a good experience. Talking about my sexuality online and talking about it with other disabled friends is nice too.
Eliza: I’m very lucky I get access to a sexual health physio on the NHS, so I see somebody who helps me with the fact that I have over-sensation, so they work with me and give me tools and exercises and different positions that are better for my disability to ensure that I’m being as safe as I can. There are practical things in place as well, like using toys, for example, and rejecting the idea that sex equals penetration, which is not true. People have sex in different ways, and all sex is valid – however that looks for you! Sex and intimacy don’t have to be this binary thing. It can be small and still be just as pleasurable and just as intimate. It’s about dismantling the idea that sex equals this or that, which is what we were taught at school and just working out how it works for you.
I’ve noticed that the more I focus on falling back in love with myself – no matter how my body is changing – I feel more confident to articulate my needs and desires.
Jess, @thechroniciconic
Jess: I think it’s interesting because even prior to disability, in my late teens and early twenties, I was just a bit aggravated by all of the things that had been expected of me and the performative element of sex. I went on this weird unlearning thing. It sounds silly, but I did all these things to reclaim my body, like having a 70s bush when everyone was shaving like barbie to experiment with how comfortable I felt in my body. That allowed me to push my own boundaries and work out where my lines are. Knowing what I like and what I didn’t like really helped, and that has evolved as I’ve got sicker.
Jess: Similar to Eliza, I realised that I sometimes equated sex and intimacy as a Venn diagram of sorts. There would be times when before I had the surgery to place my catheter, the thought of anything sexual to me was horrifying! I’ve noticed that the more I focus on falling back in love with myself – no matter how my body is changing – I feel more confident to articulate my needs and desires and have a good sexual conversation! Sex for me has had a very different kind of direction to maybe how it could have been. I now attract partners that understand that sex is not transactional and it’s just something that you’re sharing rather than giving and receiving. I do think that my disability deters a lot of the people that are incapable of a healthy sexual dialogue – they go out of the picture, and it becomes a lot better!
What does self-love look and feel like to you? And why is it so important in the disabled experience?
Eliza: I always say existing as a disabled person is an act of rebellion because the world doesn’t want us to be here, and that’s obvious when you leave your house and are nearly thrown out of your wheelchair cause the pavements are not laid correctly or whatever. But just getting up, getting out and eating breakfast; those everyday things are an act of self-love and self-care! Wearing my favourite clothes and dyeing my hair in a way that makes me feel good brings attention to my hair and not my chair.
Eliza: I’m at a place where I feel neutral about my body. There are days where I’m angry at it when I’m meeting access issues, but there are days where I think, “Wow, it’s done pretty well today”. It’s just about ensuring I make space for my own pleasure, and that, for me, is self-love.
I’m a big fan of scheduling sex. I think it’s important. I don’t think it has to be really formal, it can just be making weekend plans, and I think that includes solo sex as well. It can be an important tool for some people.
Eliza, @disabled_eliza
Jess: I used to buy into self-love as the very stereotypical thing of chocolate, candles, and a bath bomb. I’ve always been quite ostentatious with my presentation, and during the period where I was adjusting to a very different body, my external matched my internal. I remember hitting a point where I was like, “all these bath bombs and that bollocks are not what I need! What I do need is to reconnect with myself.” So how I dress, how I present myself, is a constant kind of self-love. When I was readjusting my relationship with sex and realising it was going to be different to how it was previously, I found it very hard to connect to that sexual side. But I discovered that it’s not just about using sex toys or getting off; it’s about feeling sexy, which can bring out a nice side of yourself that can be very easy to lose.
Jess: It’s almost like prophylactic self-love. I know if I don’t follow certain guidelines around what my body needs and medications, then I’ll feel the impacts of that later, and that will take a big toll on me. My relationship with self-love now is trying to keep as much of a constant as possible instead of the peaks that are advertised to us. Grabbing whatever moment I have where I’m free, and I think shielding has given me a lot more time to reconnect with myself and tap into what parts of older Jess I want to take forward. I think it’s really empowering.
How does seeking pleasure serve your needs and well-being? And what does pleasure seeking mean to you?
Eliza: For me, it’s very important to my well-being, and it can help reduce my pain as well. Sometimes, I try to branch out with my own self-pleasure and try new things, but most of the time, I’ve got a classic routine with the two trusty sex toys in my bedside table! It’s just a good way to be familiar with your body – a body that can feel hard at times because it’s not always working. So, it’s good when you can deliberately create that space and show it some love. For me, I can feel quite ‘stepped out’ of my body sometimes when it’s doing things that I don’t expect or I’m not feeling good. Sexual pleasure and sensuality are just a way for me to check back in, see what’s happening, and see how my body is feeling.
Is that something you’d schedule in, or is it something you’d just take the time for when you can?
Eliza: A mix of both, really! Sometimes I will schedule it and be like, “That’s happening at this time”, but my agent does look at my calendar, so maybe one day, I’ll be brave enough and set my status to “Out of Office” for half an hour! So, yeah, sometimes I schedule it, and sometimes it’s as and when I feel like it. I’m a big fan of scheduling sex. I think it’s important. I don’t think it has to be really formal, it can just be making weekend plans, and I think that includes solo sex as well. It can be an important tool for some people.
What about you, Jess? Do you actively plan your pleasure, or is it something you take as and when you can?
Jess: This is bringing up a lot of memories of experiences where I haven’t had that autonomous time to myself where I can just be like, “You know what? I’m in the mood. Let’s go for it!”. I’ve identified that quite a lot recently, and it has led to putting time aside for myself, whether that is for self-love in the sexual sense or not. You get desensitised to not having much time to just nurture your body and give it the things that would have been normal in the past. I remember when I was on a psych ward for a very long time, there’d some people who would request time alone time where basically they could be left alone and have a w*nk. I remember at the time thinking, “Wow, that must be really invasive for everyone to know what you’re up to”, and it’s something I’ve thought about a lot since then!
It’s not necessarily a regimented thing, but I am aware that I do like to use a day or half a day where I’m just doing indulgent things for me.
Jess, @TheChronicIconic
Jess: Whereas now I have the time, at the weekend, when things calm down for me. I’ve recently reconnected with some of the fun sex toys I might want to try out, and even if it’s not with the intent of having sexual gratification – it’s still me continuing to learn more about my body and actively choosing to take the time where everything else is irrelevant. It’s not necessarily a regimented thing, but I am aware that I do like to use a day or half a day where I’m just doing indulgent things for me. Whether that’s getting dressed up for absolutely no one or trying on all my underwear. It can seem like a waste of time and energy, but actually, when you finally get the time, you end up feeling a lot calmer cause you’re slowing your whole life down, and there’s huge power in not just saying “Oh, I’m in the mood”, but saying “I wonder if my body likes this or likes that”. I think it’s just a really kind thing to be able to do, and obviously, it’s not always feasible, but it’s great when it is!
Thank you for such an enlightening conversation! But there’s one last thing I’d love to know… Which are your favourite Bondara products?
Jess: I’m obsessed, beyond words, with your latex range. I love all the intense shapewear bondage outfits. I think, as well, the UV toy cleaning bag! Why do more disabled people not own these?
Eliza: Mine is the red Flirt Scallop Lace Bra & Garter Knicker. It’s really comfortable because it doesn’t have an underwire, so it doesn’t hurt for me to have it on.
Thank you so much to Eliza (Disabled_Eliza) & Jess (TheChronicIconic) for taking the time to sit with us for this chat!
