Is your masturbation method on the quirky side? Have you had a sex toy mishap? Or has bad luck cockblocked your happy ending?
If you’ve been busted with your hands down your pants or made an awkward trip to A&E, you’re not alone! When it cums to wanking, fap-cidents are bound to happen.
May is Masturbation Month. So, here are some of your stickiest situations in the raunchy return of ‘Confessions of a Wanker’.
Prepare for lots of dirty laughs!
Painter, Decorator, Masturbator
My ‘mate’ was painting a very attractive lady’s flat during the day while she was at work. This morning, he arrived a little early, and the lady was just leaving for work – she looked and smelled wonderful! He left it for 15 minutes, headed to her knicker draw and took out a pair. Unbuttoning his jeans, he walked to the bathroom as his pants fell down to his ankles. Holding the knickers to his face with one hand, he began to wank furiously with the other!
Suddenly he heard her come back into the flat, he went to get up quick and banged his head really hard under the bathroom sink and knocked himself out. Imagine her shock when she ran to her bathroom to find him with his pants and jeans around his ankles, cock and her knickers in his hand! Needless to say, he didn’t get to finish the job.
Two questions… Who’s yer mate? And, is it you?
Keeping It In The Family
My first time playing with a sex toy was with my older sister’s vibrator. Surprised by its power and the loud buzzing noise, I orgasmed quicker and harder than I ever had before! Then after a quick clean up, I carefully placed the borrowed vibrator back into her bedside drawer. It’s been fifteen years since the secret sex toy incident and she still doesn’t know!
A moment on the clit for a lifetime of the ick? That’s on you, sister.
A Crackin’ Climax
Last Easter Sunday, I decided to have a sexy Easter wank. Alone in the house with more than my weight in chocolate, I cracked open a Cadbury’s Creme Egg and let it melt on my V… It felt so naughty as I indulged – delicious!
No thanks, my pussy is sweet enough…
Bad Vibes
My vibrator broke whilst it was inside me. It zapped my bits so I naturally tensed and a bit of the toy broke off and got lost inside of me! Needless to say, I lost my orgasm too 🙁
‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all… Next time, come to Bondara for your sex toys!
The Lynx Effect
In a moment of naked ambition, I tried fitting an empty can of Lynx Africa up my arse… And it got stuck! Needless to say, I rushed to the hospital. Well, it was more of an awkward shuffle.
My pelvic X-ray raised a few eyebrows in the doctor’s office, even as she kindly assured me “this happens all the time”. The foreign body removal was a heavy price to pay for a moment of magic!
Remember: If it doesn’t have a flare, it doesn’t go ‘up there’. Stick to the purpose-built anal toys, Anon!
Barking Up the Wrong Tree
My partner and I have a tradition of wanking together late at night against a particular tree in a field near our house.
You wood‘nt be-leaf it, but Ecosexuality is catching on in the home counties!
Love Me Do
I always listen to Sun King by The Beatles after having a wank. It’s BLISS!
Groovy! We’re all about peace and self-love here. *adds song to masturbation playlist*
Cutting It Vine
I’m a landscape gardener by trade. And once I’ve trimmed the bushes, I like nothing more than to indulge in a mid-morning wank in the customer’s garden. It’s glorious!
We’ve heard of elevenses, but that’s a bit mulch!
Click-Baited
Some guy asked me to send a video of myself inserting a computer mouse inside of me – I almost lost it! Thank god it wasn’t wireless.
In the choice words of Gunther, Friends – “Put the mouse back in the house!“
The Smell of Sex-cess
One evening, I was travelling home from work when I passed a female goth hitchhiker. I stopped and gave her a lift to the station. When she got out, I noticed she had left a small bag in the footwell of my car. I tried to shout out to her, but she had gone, so I looked in the bag. Inside were three pairs of used black PVC G-strings, so I had a good sniff!
The smell got me really hard, so I decided to have a wank. I parked the car in a discreet place and got to it. A few minutes later, I heard a knock on my window just as I had climaxed. It was the goth… Gesturing to the rubber panties in my lap, she said, “I thought you might like them“, and let me keep a pair! Happy days…
An angel in black… We salute you, goth hitchhiker!
The Transat-wank-tic Texter
I nearly got caught once masturbating in a train toilet somewhere in the US while sexting my boyfriend back home!
There’s always someone busting for a shit when you’re masturbating on public transport, and quite wankly, it’s rude.
Dothraki Domination
Currently, I have to imagine Jason Momoa telling me exactly what to do to get me anywhere…
Kinky! Now, that’s the kind of JOI we could get into.
The Toilet Break Tug
I used to enjoy wanking at work, pre-COVID when I was in the office all the time. In the loo, of course!
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime – that’s why we cum on company time! SAY IT WITH ME!
The Jizz Whizz
I go crazy for the taste and smell of my own cum. I can’t help but sniff and lick every time I jizz when I’m alone.
Can’t beat your own brand!
Every Shaft’s a Laugh!
I’ve used a cucumber and a wine bottle to masturbate with.
And we’re very proud of you for not skipping your veggies… Hiccup!
The Killer Combo
I love nothing more than locking my cock into a chastity cage, inserting an inflatable butt plug and grinding my ass against a vibrating wand until I explode!
I hear that’s what the French call a ‘Ménage à Tr-AHHHH!‘
Hopefully, you’ve all learned a valuable lesson from these tugging tales! Or maybe you’ve had a masturbatory mishap yourself, and you’re feeling much better about it now 😉
Iain Sanderson
May 21, 2022 at 12:45 pmDone the a&e thing with vibrator swallowed up bum, nurses were brilliant, we all had a laugh and when removed they said wow, that was big to lose up there,x
Ray Tarter
May 22, 2022 at 7:26 amearly one morning when i was only one in office i got my cock out to have a wank, just got my cock in my hand and in walked the cleaning lady, she’s about 70, ( I’m 45) i blushed she immediately pulled down her trousers and knickers and told me to lay on the floor, she then sat on my face and bent over and started to give me a blow job, because she was bent over my tongue was rimming her arse, it was wet smelly and tasted delicious, after swollowing my cum, she lifted her arse slightly and gently stared to piss on my face, i managed to drink most of her piss ( never tasted piss before) she got up said better clean up the mess, i will say i spilt some water on carpet, i had to go home for clean shirt, we have never spoken since but i would love a repeat performance but to shy to ask, i did say to my wife i would like to taste her piss and now she piss’s in a glass for me which I drink usually after we fuck because she likes to see remains of my cum mixed with her piss