Sexpertise is back! And this time we touch on the hot topic of Body Positivity in the bedroom and beyond.
We are all trying our best to adapt to the lifestyle changes that the ‘new normal’ brings. But our working-from-home waistlines are likely impacting how we enjoy our bodies and sex.
So, we’ve teamed up once again with Plus-Size Sex Positivity Advocate, Women’s Wellness Specialist and Sexologist in-training Michelle Jermy to discuss self-confidence and carefree intimacy – whatever your shape or size!
Packed with tips to keep those body blues at bay, discover how you can feel fine with self-acceptance on your side…
Sexpertise/ˌɛkspəːˈtiːz/noun
- Expert skill or knowledge in the field of sexology.
- The advice provided by a sexpert.
- Bondara’s blog series featuring Women’s Wellness Specialist, Sex Positivity Advocate and Trainee Clinical Sexologist, Michelle Jermy (MSc, BSc, PGCE).
A Word From Michelle
Michelle: I had best settle down with a glass of wine in hand as we discuss Body Positivity, Comparison Culture and Toxic Beauty Standards. These are topics that definitely touch a nerve with me, not only from my professional experience as a sex and relationships therapist but in my own journey within the fitness industry…
I am known to some as the ‘Plus-size Pilates Instructor’. And it took me many years of learning how to brush off hurtful comments like “Oh, I thought you would be really slim considering all the pilates classes that you do” and “I’m sure if you tried, you could lose weight“. These remarks were as though my ability as a Pilates instructor was determined by my dress size.
However, it’s so important to understand that exercise is for everyone, and that all bodies should feel welcome in exercise communities! And so, I’m very proud that I launched Plus-Size Me & My Pilates Mat. It was my statement to the world; ‘Yes! I’m a plus-size! Now can we move on to the subject at hand?’.
1. Kindness is Crucial
Bondara: Hi Michelle. Thanks for chatting with me for another edition of Sexpertise! Shall we get straight into it?
It’s no wonder that almost half of us have gained a few pounds during the lockdown, with the same portion of people reporting more anxiety or depression symptoms than usual (KCL & Ipsos MORI, 2020). The pandemic is definitely impacting people’s physical and mental wellbeing. But, with all the extra stress, how should we approach dieting and exercise right now?
Michelle: Well, there is clear evidence eating well and exercising will make you feel better physically and mentally. A healthier lifestyle will improve your energy levels, aid sleep, and strengthen your immune system – which is important right now. But, if attempting to diet or starting a new exercise puts more stress on your plate then be mindful and take things very slowly because stress impacts our abilities to care for ourselves and hinders our immune systems.
But if being furloughed, for example, means you have more time and the thought of participating in something you enjoy makes you feel good, then yes! If you feel excited by the idea of learning new cooking techniques and preparing healthy new recipes then the answer is: go for it! As a therapist, I would be looking at the impact of nutrition and exercise on stress levels, sleep patterns and mood. And I would always encourage healthy living but discourage starting a cruelling regime. On top of the stress of the lockdown, you shouldn’t put yourself in a position where you’re likely to fail. The words that come to mind are #bekind to yourself.
2. Unplug & Experiment
Bondara: For some people; with more time to think comes more time to worry. What advice do you have for people who are experiencing more negative thoughts about their bodies at the moment?
Michelle: Strangely, I would look to embrace this time as an opportunity to fall in love with yourself. For the first time in our lives, we have reduced pressure to look a certain way as we can’t really go anywhere! Take this time to journal your thoughts about yourself. Are they your thoughts or is it social conditioning? You might find it helpful to take some time away from social media or people that negatively affect your self-esteem.
Why not take the time to explore and experiment with clothes, hair, makeup? Find out what you like and what makes you feel good – it’s not just about ‘looks’! And finally, get into the everyday habit of saying at least three nice things about your physical self.
3. “Comparison Is the Thief of Joy”
Bondara: We’re hearing more about ‘comparison culture’ and ‘toxic beauty standards’ these days with the likes of Instagram as the main culprit. How does this relate to body image, and how do we stop it from affecting us?
Michelle: Without sounding old, I often think of a time before social media. Can you remember when a tinted lip gloss and rolling down your knee-length school socks was living life on the edge? Today’s shift in expectations for the perfect brows, lash extensions, full lips, and flawless complexion can make us feel like beauty is unobtainable. Clothing stores seemingly divide us where ‘large’ sizes sometimes start at a UK 12! And then there are fashion stores for plus-size people that only stock limiting, unflattering designs that make us feel frumpy. Why can’t we all dress in a way to make us feel good?
We should learn to love all bodies. We get so wrapped up in the comparison culture and toxic beauty standards that we categorise and exclude ourselves to a fault. If we can step back and evaluate what makes us feel good, that’s the most important thing.
4. Affirm, Visualise & Reflect
Bondara: We couldn’t agree more! What daily activities and rituals help you to build better body confidence and get that ‘feel-good’ factor?
Michelle: Well, it might seem unnatural at first, but when you look in the mirror at the start of your day, get into the habit of giving yourself a compliment or two. Then when you take a shower, visualise any self-doubts just washing off your body and away. Then, spend five minutes journaling a few things you are grateful for – it doesn’t matter how small! The things I am grateful for today is that I have a welcoming smile, smooth skin, and a strong presence. But, if you struggle with this, why not ask your partner, a close friend, or a family member to write down three compliments about how you look? These notes serve as a great reminder on your bad days.
Also, get into the habit of wearing clothes that make you feel good. That maybe leisurewear – who cares? You should try to express yourself with what represents you! Whether that’s your favourite colour, the comforting feel of a sumptuous fabric, or the sparkle of your favourite jewellery. Spend the time visualising what you would be wearing, how you would feel, and act if you had confidence.
Then ultimately, you must let go of the fear of what people think and ask yourself: “what one step can I take today that brings me closer towards my vision?”.
5. Trust is Key
Bondara: Body confidence gurus often encourage us to ‘fake it until you make it’. But do these ideas apply to sex and relationships? Is it helpful to share our insecure thoughts with our partner(s)?
Michelle: I have heard of situations in therapy where one partner will use the other’s insecurities as ammunition during arguments. This is not a good sign! You have to ask, is it really that fulfilling to enter into an intimate experience where you are not trusting of one another? Also, casual sex has become easier with dating apps and so, in many cases, there is little time or opportunity to vulnerably express our insecurities in a safe, accepting, and nurturing space. Oftentimes, the emotional disconnect in hook-up culture harms your energy, aura, and unconscious when you’re struggling with self-love and worthiness. So, that’s something to be aware of.
However, in a meaningful, trusting sexual relationship, you should feel more comfortable in communicating what you do and do not want to participate in. And this doesn’t have to go into the deep layers of reason. But, when a good sexual bond is formed, the people involved will reach a higher level of intimacy. And that’s where something magical happens!
6. Learn Your Love Language
Bondara: So, what self-care activities and rituals do you suggest for getting into the mood when you’re feeling less-than-sexy?
Michelle: This is a simple answer. Learn your and your partner’s love language. Perhaps it is certain songs, sexting, creating a seductive atmosphere with candles and lighting, or delicious food. What foreplay do you and your partner prefer? Share with each other how you masturbate for a sexy show and tell. Communication is key! Don’t be shy to express what you need or to take the time to learn.
I often hear ‘my wife doesn’t like sex’, and more often than not, you are talking the wrong love language. So, set the right mood to suit both partners and release those feel-good hormones!
Bondara: ‘Dressing sexy’ can be tricky for someone with a poor body image. And negative feelings about our appearance can stop us from wanting to be intimate with a partner. What tips do you have for dressing confidently in the bedroom?
Michelle: Take the time to experiment with what makes you feel sexy. Prioritising your feel-good factor over what you think your partner will like empowers you for more relaxed and fun-filled sex life. But body confidence is more than sexy lingerie (or lack thereof). It’s self-care and preparation. Wearing your favourite scent, setting the scene with candles and music. Just remember to take the time to truly connect, stare into their eyes, touch their skin, gently kiss, pause and breathe. Erotic mindfulness is key to overcoming intrusive thoughts in the bedroom.
7. Explore ‘In the Moment’ Intimacy
Bondara: When it comes to sex with a partner, it can be daunting to reveal the parts of our bodies that we’re insecure about. How does someone with issues with body confidence prevent negative thoughts from affecting intimacy?
Michelle: If there are certain positions that make someone feel more confident we start there. Build on the safe zone and have complete trust your partner will not expect this to change. With intimate boundaries in place, you can then focus on increasing the intensity with eye contact and kissing.
Then as a therapist, I would suggest exposure therapy. So, if the lights usually have to be off for you to enjoy yourself, then try a little candlelight – it’s very flattering, I promise! As intimacy intensifies, it will soon become apparent that we are more than our bodies, because when you are in the moment, thoughts of your insecurities will fade. Over time, conscious mindful practice with a loving, trusted partner should generally lessen the previous negative thought patterns.
8. Find Your Body-Posi Inspo
Bondara: Wow! Thanks, Michelle! Could you recommend any great body confidence resources for our readers?
Michelle: Sure! Many celebrities and influencers have positive messages that they are passionate about, but find someone that resonates with you. I would like to recommend my book Pilates For Better Sex. I wrote the book to break the stigma surrounding sex in the hope that women will realise that it’s ok to enjoy, like, or love sex. I’m soon to be releasing a 28 day Self Love Online Programme too. This is aimed at individuals who are living with negative thoughts and a lack of self-worth but are keen to release and learn to care for their bodies.
- Another book I highly recommend is I heart Me – The Science of Self Love by David R. Hamilton PhD.
- Or check out Megan at BodyPosiPanda.com with her uplifting blog and book; Body Positive Power.
- Mel Wells wrote the very popular The Goddess Revolution and is a well-respected coach who runs a self-love summit.
- Also, Molly Forbes of Mothersalwaysright.com is a brilliant podcaster, presenter and blogger with a passion for positivity and body confidence too.
And of course, follow me on Instagram at Plussize Me & My Pilates Mat for more inspirational posts and updates!
Michelle’s new research will be exploring the wonderful world of dating, sexual enjoyment, reigniting passion in relationships, in addition to my desire of helping women recognise the power of self-love, self-worth & body confidence.
Please note: if you are concerned about body image issues that you might be experiencing, please consult your GP for medical care.
As always, we love to hear your opinions! So sound off in the comment box below to let us know your thoughts…
Stay safe & sexy xx
