Masturbation Month: Confessions of a Wanker

You’re horny. The coast is clear. Your porn is primed. And that sex toy is ready to rumble. So, you get down to some D.I.Y. But then disaster strikes!

If you’ve been busted with your hands down your pants, suffered a sex toy mishap, or the dog’s licked your foot mid-orgasm – we’ve all been there.

One thing is for sure, fap-cidents are an occupational hazard when it cums to wanking. So, we asked you to submit your stickiest situations.

Get ready for some dirty (and NSFW) laughs!

The Concussed Cam Girl

Playing on cam at 1 am, I got a little carried away and fell off the bed, headbutting my radiator HARD!

The loud bang of my skull hitting cast iron naturally woke my parents up. So, my mum came in to investigate…

And there, she discovered me. Semi-unconscious, in lingerie, with the vibrator still buzzing inside of me.

Not ‘good vibes’, at all…

Bondara Sex Toys Blog - Confessions of a Wanker
Bondara Silicone Slim G-Spot Vibrator

You’re spoiled for stimulation with 20 rumbling vibration modes, while the angled tip delivers a mind-blowing G-spot massage.

Soft-touch silicone serves an ultra-smooth finish – just add a splash of water-based lubricant for explosive solo pleasure!

The Glasgow Gazer

While living with my folks, I came home from a night out absolutely ‘wankered’. Our living room looked right out onto the driveway and always had the blinds closed because you can see RIGHT IN THERE. But, it was normal for my dad to be up at this time due to his insomnia.

So, as I came stumbling up the drive, my eyes fixed in horror as I witnessed the sight: Sat there, with the blinds wide open (presumably because it was so late he didn’t think anyone would pass), phone in one hand, penis in the other, properly going for it

I’ve never averted my gaze from anything so quickly in my life, and it’s fair to say he moved pretty quick too! When I went inside, I vaguely remember shouting: “Yi dirty dog, man!” before crashing asleep.

The next morning, he tried to tell me he was looking for “abnormalities” – the cheek!! Fair to say I’m glad I moved out. I don’t know how proud I should be that I was never caught wanking as a teenager, but catching my dad instead…

Bondara Sex Toys Blog - Confessions of a Wanker

Lubido Hybrid Lubricant – 250ml

For a slippery stroke, this hybrid lubricant delivers a never-ending glide. The silicone infusion eliminates the sticky, drying feel of water-based lubes while still offering all the benefits! This expertly blended formula boasts long-lasting softness with a creamy consistency.

We promise LUBIDO will enhance your solo sessions in just a few pumps!

The Lusty Limper

Getting down to business with a new thrusting vibrator, I could barely believe my satisfaction!

As my body tensed toward an earth-shattering climax, stars before my eyes, toes like curly fries… An intense cramp overcame me, running throughout my entire left leg and foot!

Screaming as I came – in pleasure and pain. Let’s say, ‘It was the best of times and the worst of times‘. And the limp lasted for a few days.

I’ll remember to stretch before I reach for that toy again!

Bondara Sex Toys Blog - Confessions of a Wanker
Bondara Groove Midi Wand Vibrator

Work out your sexual tension with his mini but mighty vibrating wand in velvet-soft, body-safe silicone.

The textured, flexible head reaches tighter spots to satisfy every inch with 10 modes, while its unique clitoral groove encapsulates your hot spot with rumbling vibes!

The Loaded Gun

When I bought my first bullet vibrator, I was in bed playing with myself, and the vibrations felt so amazing on my clit.

I moved it down, teasing myself until, out of nowhere, my vagina decided to swallow it… WHOLE!

It was suck up there for two hours ON VIBRATE! Needless to say, it made my housework a lot more vigorous.

Bondara Sex Toys Blog - Confessions of a Wanker
Bondara Bang! Rechargeable Bullet Vibrator

Get straight to the point (of climax) with this chrome clit-pleaser.

Powerful yet petite at 3.5-inches; explore ten intensities and patterns with an angled tip for hard and fast external stimulation.

The Krispy Kleenex

As a youngster, I was struggling with insomnia. One night, instead of counting sheep, I had a wank to send me off.

Sleepily, I couldn’t be arsed to get rid of my cummy tissue. So, I put it in my bedside drawer for later disposal and nodded off.

When I came home from work the following day, I opened the drawer to find the note; ‘THIS IS DISGUSTING! THROW IT AWAY!” in my mother’s angriest handwriting.

Mum had chosen that day to rifle through my teenage drawer of shame to discover the incriminating evidence… Embarrassed and paranoid, I asked myself, “How often has she looked in there?!

Bondara Sex Toys Blog - Confessions of a Wanker
Boss Hole-in-One Realistic Vibrating Masturbator

Mum’s the word with this torch-style vibrating cup! A powerful bullet sits behind your choice of orifice for intense vibrations as soon as you slip inside, while intricate internal texture surrounds your shaft for incredible stimulation on every stroke. Plus, hygiene is easy, so you can forget about the cummy tissues!

The Acid Jerk

As a sexually remedial and repressed 14-year-old in Cornwall, my mates and I used to hang out in a parent’s converted garden shed. ‘London Nick’ had visited with a bag of Microdots for sale but he’d dropped loads on the floor. So, we spent the next few days picking acid out of the carpet and eating it. We ended up tripping for a very long time…

It was the second night of tripping that unleashed a deep innate desire to be sexual, which I could no longer contain. At that moment, I was aware that I’d become completely hard, so I got up and walked outside into the garden and pulled my jeans down in the darkness. It wasn’t something I had planned to do; it was spontaneous and unstoppable.

I stood in the pitch black and masturbated, feeling great surges of confused pleasure. No one knew I was there. Eventually, I came into a conifer bush. It was a huge relief, and I went back into the shed as if nothing had happened.

This kind of intense arousal became a prevalent theme in future acid trips. I realise now that my sexual psyche had been completely suppressed, and these bizarre drug-induced sexual experiences were merely a symptom of that repression.

Also, side note; these days, I’m happy, sober and sexually fulfilled, so don’t worry – I got there in the end!

Bondara Remote Control Vibrating Butt Plug

Pleasure your P-spot – hands-free – with five intensities and five pulsing patterns with a click of the remote for explosive outcomes…

With a gentle tapering edge, flexible neck and a broad stopping point for safe anal play, this slimline smoothie slips inside with ease in velvet-soft silicone. 

The Bluetooth Bungler

As a gamer, I have an impressively large sound system on my PC. But I treated myself to a set of Bluetooth headphones to indulge in after-hours Call of Duty. Excitedly, I was in a rush to try them out…

Exploiting my newfound privacy, I slapped on the lesbian porn du jour, and without a moment’s hesitation, whapped my knob out and went to town.

Enjoying the surround sound of satisfied screams, I pleasured myself furiously to Mia Malkova eating Riley Reid’s ass.

Approaching climax, I suddenly felt the cold boney hand of my 70-something nan grasp my unsuspecting shoulder. To my dismay, the Bluetooth disconnected when I went for a pre-game pee, booming the porno audio through my speaker system for my parents and nan to hear downstairs!

Let’s say it made for quite an awkward Sunday roast.

  1. Paddy
    May 29, 2021 at 12:51 pm

    My mate was painting a very attractive ladies flat during the day while she was at work. This morning he arrived a little early and the lady was just leaving for work and she looked and smelled wonderful. He left it for 15 minutes and then headed for her knicker draw, took out a pair, went to the bathroom, pulled his jeans and pants down to his ankles, laid on the floor and holding the knickers to his face with one hand he wanked furiously with the other. Suddenly he heard her come back into the flat, he went to get up quick and banged his head really hard under the bathroom sink and knocked himself out. Imagine her shock when she went ran to her bathroom and found him, pants and jeans round his ankles, his cock out and her knickers in his hand. He didn’t get to finish the job.

  2. CJ
    May 29, 2021 at 3:11 pm

    I was travelling home from work one evening when I passed a female goth hitch hicker. I stopped and gave her a lift to the station. When she got out I noticed she had left a small bag in the foot well of my car. I tried to shout her but she had gone so I looked in the bag . There were 3 pairs of used black pvc thong knickers so I had a good smell. This got me hard so decided to have a wank. I parked the car in a discreet place of the car park station and got to it. A few mins later there was a knock on my window just as I had climaxed. It was the goth..she said I thought you might like them and let me keep a pair. She then got it the car and sucked me off until I shot again down her throat. Happy days..

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