{"id":21568,"date":"2022-08-26T16:16:35","date_gmt":"2022-08-26T15:16:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.bondara.co.uk\/blog\/?p=21568"},"modified":"2022-10-04T12:53:58","modified_gmt":"2022-10-04T11:53:58","slug":"sex-and-disability-disabled_eliza-thechroniciconic","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bondara.co.uk\/blog\/lifestyle\/interviews\/sex-and-disability-disabled_eliza-thechroniciconic\/","title":{"rendered":"Sex & Disability: An Interview with Disabled_Eliza & TheChronicIconic"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Bondara knows that pleasure empowers people. So, we chatted with @Disabled_Eliza<\/a> and @TheChronicIconic<\/a> to talk about all things sex and disability<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In this candid interview, we bust the myth that disabled people don’t have sex, discuss representation and accessibility and what this means for the sex toy industry and reveal how, when society fails to acknowledge disabled sexuality, it’s the ultimate rebellion to prove people wrong!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read on to discover why self-love is fundamental for the body and mind and which Bondara products Jess and Eliza love!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Please tell us a little bit about yourselves! <\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Eliza<\/strong>: Hi, I\u2019m Eliza. I\u2019m a Disabled Content Creator. I create content all about disability awareness and being LGBT. My pronouns are they\/them. I am non-binary and bisexual, and I basically just talk about my experiences as a disabled person, as somebody who has been disabled since birth. As I’ve gotten older, my disabilities have impacted me more in different ways. I\u2019m autistic too. Oh, and I love rainbows!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jess<\/strong>: I\u2019m Jess. My pronouns are she\/her. I do quite a lot of work around disability online as well. I was primarily an artist before that kicked off. I have several progressive disabilities that mean as I\u2019ve got older, the way that I relate to my body and the world and all of that has changed. It\u2019s been a bit of a learning curve. I\u2019m also autistic and ADHD!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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l-r: @Disabled_Eliza<\/a> @TheChronicIconic<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Why did you get into advocacy? And what does it mean to you to represent the disabled community online?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Eliza<\/strong>: It\u2019s a big question! I always say I\u2019m just one disabled person existing in the world with my experience. I guess I wanted to start talking about it online because I wasn\u2019t seeing it being spoken about very much. Also, I felt like I wasn\u2019t really seeing people that look like me, and I wanted to explore that. I initially found it hard to find the community, but then I felt that those who were talking about it helped me so much to learn this part of myself. I wanted to give back to a community that helped me so much in a way that worked for me, in a way that I loved. I\u2019ve made so many friends from this community, Jess being one of them, that I just wouldn\u2019t have without doing this work. The disabled community definitely saved my life, and I guess I just wanted to give back a little bit. I know @Luuudaw<\/a> talks about this a lot too – I\u2019ve also learnt a lot from her as well!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jess<\/strong>: It wasn\u2019t a conscious choice. I think I\u2019ve always been someone who\u2019s a bit of an oversharer! Prior to identifying as disabled, like many neurodivergent people, I was misdiagnosed with several psychiatric conditions and a lot of the stuff that I was speaking about online was heavily centred around that. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jess<\/strong>: A lot of it, to be honest, was quite a selfish, cathartic process of screaming into the void<\/em>. It started to get traction, and I was really baffled by it because I didn\u2019t think anyone would want to see me moaning about life! But it just grew, and, similar to Eliza, I\u2019d seen the representation of disability online, but it was so polarised, and there didn\u2019t seem to be that much showing the in-between bits, the highs and the lows together. As I started doing that, quite a lot of people started to reach out to me to say, \u201cIt\u2019s really refreshing to see these parts that maybe aren\u2019t always shown\u201d. I just didn\u2019t realise it was something people would want to interact with, but that\u2019s just sort of how it grew.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The disabled community definitely saved my life. <\/p>Eliza, @Disabled_ Eliza<\/a><\/cite><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

At Bondara, we\u2019ve made a big effort to push for better representation\u2026 But I\u2019m wondering how do you see disabled representation within the sex toy community? How do you see things changing?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Eliza<\/strong>: I definitely think there\u2019s always room for more improvement when it comes to disability. I very rarely see much rep at all – apart from on social media, which I think is a good start. Given that it’s such <\/em>a wide spectrum, you\u2019re never going to make something that\u2019s fully accessible for every single disabled person; it\u2019s just not possible! But when we talk about accessible toys, there aren’t many that have actually been designed <\/em>for disabled people, or disabled people are kind of an afterthought. There are<\/em> a few popping up, which is really exciting, but I definitely think there\u2019s a lot more work that can be done to ensure when we\u2019re making toys, it\u2019s not just like, \u201cOh, how does this feel for a non-disabled person?\u201d, we consider \u201cHow accessible is this for a disabled person?\u201d. Sometimes when we talk about representation, we can just say, \u201cWe need more disabled models\u201d, and we totally do, but then where\u2019s that conversation behind the scenes?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jess<\/strong>: I think there\u2019s a really interesting thing happening on social media, with tokenism <\/em>of disabled people. It\u2019s like, \u201cOh look! We\u2019ve got these cripples holding our sex toys<\/a> in a picture!\u201d But how much of that is a conversation behind the scenes? I\u2019ve had a few companies who are starting out who interviewed me and loads of others with different, varied disabilities to create toys sole just for disabled people. But we\u2019re not just a homogenous group. I have really poor manual dexterity; for someone else, that could be completely irrelevant!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jess<\/strong>: Also, I\u2019m such a slut for sexy underwear<\/a> – I love it! but because I have tubing coming out of my body, I can\u2019t wear most of my underwear. A lot of sex toy brands do sell underwear, and there\u2019s nothing that\u2019s really been factored in with accessibility, and I don\u2019t see much in terms of actual adaptive clothing. You can <\/em>have a really gorgeous underwear set\u2026that\u2019s front fastening too! I think the sex toy industry relies on promoting what people find beautiful or attractive, and unfortunately, that leaves out a massive demographic of people. So, that\u2019s something that I\u2019d like to see change. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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We wanted to sit down with you to get a better idea of the ways we can improve accessibility for our disabled customers. While surface-level marketing is an inevitable factor of today’s business model, we\u2019d like to think that Bondara has an authentic and dedicated approach to it, and we want to do better!<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Jess<\/strong>: I wouldn\u2019t bother engaging with a brand that I didn\u2019t feel had their ethics or ethos in the right place, however, I do think that Bondara has definitely superseded so many brands on this! From the get-go, you immediately went to work with disabled creators, and I think a lot of brands will only do that when they see other brands doing it first!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People feel uncomfortable that I\u2019m talking about sex, and have questions that are also inappropriate. <\/p>Eliza, @Disabled_Eliza<\/a><\/cite><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

That’s good to know! Can you share with us what accessibility features you look for in your sex toys?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Eliza<\/strong>: How easy is it to manoeuvre, how easy is it to hold, is it too heavy, and how easy is it to clean? All those things I\u2019m thinking about when I\u2019m looking at sex toys. I look for something that doesn\u2019t overly vibrate because it can cause quite a lot of pain or even dislocations in my hands. But then you don\u2019t want something that you can\u2019t feel! I have issues with oversensitivity, but somebody else may struggle with minimised sensitivity. So a toy that works for me won\u2019t work for another person, maybe even with the same disability as me. I personally am not someone who is able to experience penetration very safely all the time, so I would probably choose a clitoral toy<\/a>, and I would also look at how easy it is to navigate the buttons and how easy it is to change the settings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jess<\/strong>: Yeah, for me, how easy something is to grip is important. For instance, I\u2019ve not yet found a massage wand<\/a> – a very popular toy that most people have – that\u2019s safe for me to use. I\u2019m the opposite to Eliza, opting for stronger vibrators<\/a> because I have spinal cord damage – a lot of the lower half of my body and the nerves don\u2019t function. But also, the walls on the housing estate I live on are paper thin, so the quieter the vibration, the better for me! I used to really like suction toys<\/a>, but they\u2019re pretty redundant for the most part. It has to fit <\/em>my body, and so I choose hands-free sex toys that can latch onto me so I don\u2019t have to be holding them – that’s great!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\"Bondara<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
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A common myth I’ve come across in research for our chat is that disabled people don\u2019t have sex or seek pleasure. How does this kind of stereotype present in your life, and how do you overcome it?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Eliza<\/strong>: Yeah, it\u2019s an interesting stereotype. I think you get many different reactions when you are a disabled person and you start talking about sex. I kind of call myself a \u2018palatable\u2019 disabled person. I\u2019m a wheelchair user, and people kind of get that. They think you can’t walk, even though that\u2019s not why someone would use a wheelchair, but that\u2019s their understanding. So, when I talk about sex is going to be very different for somebody else with a different disability. I experience infantilisation; people feel uncomfortable that I\u2019m talking about sex and have questions that are also inappropriate – asking for explicit details of how I am able to do it, which isn\u2019t appropriate to random people online! But mainly, it\u2019s \u201cOh, I didn\u2019t know that you would do that\u201d, \u201cWho\u2019s going to want to do that with you?\u201d or \u201cHow does it even work?\u201d. People are surprised that disabled people are in this space and even talking about it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eliza<\/strong>: Seeking pleasure is not necessarily always a beneficial decision in a day because it could make my energy drop, but the mental health side of it might outweigh that, and it\u2019s for the individual person to decide. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

People ask incredibly invasive questions because they\u2019re so fascinated, and it can be quite degrading. But then on the flip side, there are obviously people who fetishize of disability, so it\u2019s hard to navigate.<\/p>Jess, @TheChronicIconic<\/a><\/cite><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Jess<\/strong>: Yeah, I mean, it\u2019s a fascinating thing. Prior to being visibly disabled, no one bats an eyelid because they don\u2019t look at you with this fascination. But I think there\u2019s a real polarity that I see on social media. People ask incredibly invasive questions cause they\u2019re so fascinated, and it\u2019s quite degrading, but then on the flip side, there are obviously people who fetishize of disability, so it\u2019s hard to navigate. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jess<\/strong>: I think the main thing is curiosity. I\u2019ve had a catheter for years, and I think a lot of people are like, \u201c Well, how does that work?\u201d, \u201cWhat\u2019s the logistics?\u201d and there\u2019s an element of almost repulsion where it\u2019s like a lot of people might see me and Eliza and say \u201c, Oh yeah, they\u2019re attractive people\u201d, but then once you zoom out and see the disability, there\u2019s this weird conflict you see a lot of people have, and that\u2019s when the invasive questions happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jess<\/strong>: I\u2019m someone that\u2019s always experienced pelvic pain, and penetration can be painful for me, so it\u2019s something that I\u2019ve had to avoid in the past. But people are always surprised that I\u2019ve had a wild sexual past which I\u2019m glad I\u2019ve had because I know there\u2019s stuff I can\u2019t do now. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eliza<\/strong>: People are still surprised that my partner stayed with me throughout me getting more and more unwell, and they\u2019re like, \u201cOh my God, what a hero, they\u2019re still with you after all those years\u201d<\/em>, and I\u2019m like, \u201c Yeah, I\u2019m actually quite okay to date\u201d<\/em>. It\u2019s just very weird!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jess<\/strong>: I think people can\u2019t see outside of it if someone falls into the carer category. Because all relationships have that dynamic regardless of disability, but people can\u2019t seem to separate that someone can wipe your bum but can still have sex with you, you know? People just can\u2019t understand it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Jess and Eliza’s Favourites<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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\"Bondara<\/a>
Fetish Clothing<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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Turn up the SEX-factor in our Latex Suspender Dress<\/a> by Siren to feel slick, sexy and strong. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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\"Bondara<\/a>
Sexy Lingerie<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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Comfort is the key to red-hot sensuality in this soft cup suspender set<\/a> from Bondara Flirt!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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Sex Toy Storage<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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Take the strain out of your hygiene game with the cleansing power of ultraviolet with this Sex Toy Sanitising Pouch And Storage Bag<\/a> from Bondara.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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In your journey to overcome these stereotypes, what has connecting with your sexuality looked like? What tools have you used to overcome these social taboos?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Eliza<\/strong>: For me, it\u2019s just talking about sex and pleasure and just having that conversation which we\u2019re doing now! I always say communication is key, it\u2019s such a great way to make sure everyone has a good experience. Talking about my sexuality online and talking about it with other disabled friends is nice too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eliza<\/strong>: I\u2019m very lucky I get access to a sexual health physio on the NHS, so I see somebody who helps me with the fact that I have over-sensation, so they work with me and give me tools and exercises and different positions that are better for my disability to ensure that I\u2019m being as safe as I can. There are practical things in place as well, like using toys, for example, and rejecting the idea that sex equals penetration<\/em>, which is not true. People have sex in different ways, and all sex is valid – however that looks for you! Sex and intimacy don\u2019t have to be this binary thing. It can be small and still be just as pleasurable and just as intimate. It\u2019s about dismantling the idea that sex equals this or that,<\/em> which is what we were taught at school and just working out how it works for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve noticed that the more I focus on falling back in love with myself – no matter how my body is changing – I feel more confident to articulate my needs and desires. <\/p>Jess, @thechroniciconic<\/a><\/cite><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Jess<\/strong>: I think it\u2019s interesting because even prior to disability, in my late teens and early twenties, I was just a bit aggravated by all of the things that had been expected of me and the performative element of sex. I went on this weird unlearning thing. It sounds silly, but I did all these things to reclaim my body, like having a 70s bush when everyone was shaving like barbie to experiment with how comfortable I felt in my body. That allowed me to push my own boundaries and work out where my lines are. Knowing what I like and what I didn\u2019t like really helped, and that has evolved as I\u2019ve got sicker.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jess<\/strong>: Similar to Eliza, I realised that I sometimes equated sex and intimacy as a Venn diagram of sorts. There would be times when before I had the surgery to place my catheter, the thought of anything sexual to me was horrifying! I\u2019ve noticed that the more I focus on falling back in love with myself – no matter how my body is changing – I feel more confident to articulate my needs and desires and have a good sexual conversation! Sex for me has had a very different kind of direction to maybe how it could <\/em>have been. I now attract partners that understand that sex is not transactional and it\u2019s just something that you\u2019re sharing rather than giving and receiving. I do think that my disability deters a lot of the people that are incapable of a healthy sexual dialogue – they go out of the picture, and it becomes a lot better!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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What does self-love look and feel like to you? And why is it so important in the disabled experience?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Eliza<\/strong>: I always say existing as a disabled person is an act of rebellion because the world doesn\u2019t want us to be here, and that\u2019s obvious when you leave your house and are nearly thrown out of your wheelchair cause the pavements are not laid correctly or whatever. But just getting up, getting out and eating breakfast; those everyday things are an act of self-love and self-care! Wearing my favourite clothes and dyeing my hair in a way that makes me feel good brings attention to my hair and not my chair<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eliza<\/strong>: I\u2019m at a place where I feel neutral about my body. There are days where I\u2019m angry at it when I\u2019m meeting access issues, but there are days where I think, \u201cWow, it\u2019s done pretty well today\u201d. It\u2019s just about ensuring I make space for my own pleasure, and that, for me, is self-love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m a big fan of scheduling sex. I think it\u2019s important. I don\u2019t think it has to be really formal, it can just be making weekend plans, and I think that includes solo sex as well. It can be an important tool for some people.<\/p>Eliza, @disabled_eliza<\/a><\/cite><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Jess<\/strong>: I used to buy into self-love as the very stereotypical thing of chocolate, candles, and a bath bomb<\/em>. I\u2019ve always been quite ostentatious with my presentation, and during the period where I was adjusting to a very different body, my external matched my internal. I remember hitting a point where I was like, “all these bath bombs and that bollocks are not what I need! What I do need is to reconnect with myself.” So how I dress, how I present myself, is a constant kind of self-love. When I was readjusting my relationship with sex and realising it was going to be different to how it was previously, I found it very hard to connect to that sexual side. But I discovered that it’s not just about using sex toys or getting off; it\u2019s about feeling sexy, which can bring out a nice side of yourself that can be very easy to lose. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jess<\/strong>: It\u2019s almost like prophylactic self-love. I know if I don\u2019t follow certain guidelines around what my body needs and medications, then I\u2019ll feel the impacts of that later, and that will take a big toll on me. My relationship with self-love now is trying to keep as much of a constant as possible instead of the peaks that are advertised to us. Grabbing whatever moment I have where I\u2019m free, and I think shielding has given me a lot more time to reconnect with myself and tap into what parts of older Jess I want to take forward. I think it\u2019s really empowering.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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How does seeking pleasure serve your needs and well-being? And what does pleasure seeking mean to you?<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Eliza<\/strong>: For me, it\u2019s very important to my well-being, and it can help reduce my pain as well. Sometimes, I try to branch out with my own self-pleasure and try new things, but most of the time, I\u2019ve got a classic routine with the two trusty sex toys in my bedside table! It\u2019s just a good way to be familiar with your body – a body that can feel hard at times because it\u2019s not always working. So, it\u2019s good when you can deliberately create that space and show it some love. For me, I can feel quite ‘stepped out’ of my body sometimes when it\u2019s doing things that I don\u2019t expect or I\u2019m not feeling good. Sexual pleasure and sensuality are just a way for me to check back in, see what\u2019s happening, and see how my body is feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Is that something you\u2019d schedule in, or is it something you\u2019d just take the time for when you can?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Eliza<\/strong>: A mix of both, really! Sometimes I will schedule it and be like, \u201cThat\u2019s happening at this time\u201d, but my agent does <\/em>look at my calendar, so maybe one day, I\u2019ll be brave enough and set my status to “Out of Office”<\/em> for half an hour! So, yeah, sometimes I schedule it, and sometimes it’s as and when I feel like it. I\u2019m a big fan of scheduling sex. I think it\u2019s important. I don\u2019t think it has to be really formal, it can just be making weekend plans, and I think that includes solo sex as well. It can be an important tool for some people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What about you, Jess? Do you actively plan your pleasure, or is it something you take as and when you can?  <\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Jess<\/strong>: This is bringing up a lot of memories of experiences where I haven\u2019t had that autonomous time to myself where I can just be like, \u201cYou know what? I\u2019m in the mood. Let\u2019s go for it!\u201d. I\u2019ve identified that quite a lot recently, and it has led to putting time aside for myself, whether that is for self-love in the sexual sense or not. You get desensitised to not having much time to just nurture your body<\/em> and give it the things that would have been normal in the past. I remember when I was on a psych ward for a very long time, there\u2019d some people who would request time alone time where basically they could be left alone and have a w*nk. I remember at the time thinking, \u201cWow, that must be really invasive for everyone to know what you\u2019re up to\u201d, and it\u2019s something I\u2019ve thought about a lot since then!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not necessarily a regimented <\/em>thing, but I am aware that I do like to use a day or half a day where I\u2019m just doing indulgent things for me.<\/p>Jess, @TheChronicIconic<\/a><\/cite><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Jess<\/strong>: Whereas now I have the time, at the weekend, when things calm down for me. I\u2019ve recently reconnected with some of the fun sex toys I might want to try out, and even if it\u2019s not with the intent of having sexual gratification – it\u2019s still me continuing to learn more about my body and actively choosing to take the time where everything else is irrelevant. It\u2019s not necessarily a regimented <\/em>thing, but I am aware that I do like to use a day or half a day where I\u2019m just doing indulgent things for me. Whether that\u2019s getting dressed up for absolutely no one or trying on all my underwear. It can seem like a waste of time and energy, but actually, when you finally get the time, you end up feeling a lot calmer cause you\u2019re slowing your whole life down, and there\u2019s huge power in not just saying \u201cOh, I\u2019m in the mood\u201d, but saying \u201cI wonder if my body likes this or likes that\u201d. I think it\u2019s just a really kind thing to be able to do, and obviously, it\u2019s not always feasible, but it\u2019s great when it is!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thank you for such an enlightening conversation! But there’s one last thing I’d love <\/em>to know… Which are your favourite Bondara products?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Jess<\/strong>: I\u2019m obsessed, beyond words, with your latex range<\/a>. I love all the intense shapewear bondage outfits<\/a>. I think, as well, the UV toy cleaning bag<\/a>! Why <\/em>do more disabled people not own these?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Eliza<\/strong>: Mine is the red Flirt Scallop Lace Bra & Garter Knicker<\/a>. It\u2019s really comfortable because it doesn\u2019t have an underwire, so it doesn\u2019t hurt for me to have it on.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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Thank you so much to Eliza (Disabled_Eliza<\/a>) & Jess (TheChronicIconic<\/a>) for taking the time to sit with us for this chat!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Bondara knows pleasure empowers so we chatted with @Disabled_Eliza and @TheChronicIconic to talk about all things sex and disability.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":21604,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4790],"tags":[4374,4791],"class_list":["post-21568","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-interviews","tag-interview","tag-sex-and-disability"],"yoast_head":"\nSex & Disability: An Interview with Disabled_Eliza & TheChronicIconic<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Bondara knows pleasure empowers so we chatted with 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