{"id":19771,"date":"2022-05-20T11:47:35","date_gmt":"2022-05-20T10:47:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.bondara.co.uk\/blog\/?p=19771"},"modified":"2024-10-11T11:08:46","modified_gmt":"2024-10-11T10:08:46","slug":"masturbation-month-confessions-of-a-wanker-part-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bondara.co.uk\/blog\/funny\/masturbation-month-confessions-of-a-wanker-part-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Masturbation Month: Confessions of a Wanker"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Is your masturbation method on the quirky <\/em>side? Have you had a sex toy<\/a> mishap<\/em>? Or has bad luck cockblocked your<\/em> happy ending<\/em>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you’ve been busted with your hands down your pants or made an awkward trip to A&E, you’re not alone! When it cums to wanking, fap-cidents are bound<\/em> <\/em>to happen. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

May is Masturbation Month<\/strong>. So, here are some of your stickiest <\/em>situations in the raunchy return of ‘Confessions of a Wanker’<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Prepare for lots of dirty laughs! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Painter, Decorator, Masturbator <\/em><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

My ‘mate’ was painting a very attractive lady’s flat during the day while she was at work. This morning, he arrived a little early, and the lady was just leaving for work – she looked and smelled wonderful!<\/em> He left it for 15 minutes, headed to her knicker draw and took out a pair. Unbuttoning his jeans, he walked to the bathroom as his pants fell down to his ankles. Holding the knickers<\/a> to his face with one hand, he began to wank furiously with the other!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\"Bondara<\/a>
Bone Cone Textured Masturbator Sleeve
<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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Suddenly he heard her come back into the flat, he went to get up quick and banged his head really hard under the bathroom sink and knocked himself out. Imagine her shock when she ran to her bathroom to find him with his pants and jeans around his ankles, cock and her knickers in his hand! Needless to say, he didn\u2019t get to finish the job<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Two questions… Who’s yer mate? And, is it you?<\/sub><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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Keeping It In The Family <\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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My first time playing with a sex toy<\/a> was with my older sister’s vibrator<\/a>. Surprised by its power and the loud buzzing noise, I orgasmed quicker and harder than I ever had before! Then after a quick clean up, I carefully placed the borrowed vibrator back into her bedside drawer. It’s been fifteen years since the secret sex toy incident and she still doesn’t know!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A moment on the clit for a lifetime of the ick<\/em>? That’s on you, sister<\/em>.<\/sub><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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A Crackin’ Climax<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Last Easter Sunday, I decided to have a sexy Easter<\/em> wank. Alone in the house with more than my weight in chocolate, I cracked open a Cadbury’s Creme Egg<\/em> and let it melt on my V… It felt so naughty as I indulged – delicious!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No thanks, my pussy is sweet enough…<\/sub><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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\"Bondara<\/a>
Flavoured Lubes<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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Bad Vibes<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

My vibrator<\/a> broke whilst it was inside me. It zapped my bits so I naturally tensed and a bit of the toy broke off and got lost inside of me! Needless to say, I lost my orgasm too \ud83d\ude41<\/p>\n\n\n\n

‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all… Next time, come to Bondara<\/a> for your sex toys<\/a>!<\/sub><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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\"Bondara<\/a>
Vibrators<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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The Lynx Effect<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In a moment of naked ambition, I tried fitting an empty can of Lynx Africa <\/em>up my arse… And it got stuck! Needless to say, I rushed to the hospital. Well, it was more of an awkward shuffle<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\"\"<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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My pelvic X-ray raised a few eyebrows in the doctor’s office, even as she kindly assured me “this happens all the time”. The foreign body removal was a heavy price to pay for a moment of magic!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

Remember: If it doesn’t have a flare, it doesn’t go ‘up there’<\/em>.<\/strong> Stick to the purpose-built anal toys<\/a>, Anon! <\/sub><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Barking Up the Wrong Tree<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

My partner and I have a tradition of wanking together late at night against a particular tree in a field near our house.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You wood<\/em>‘nt be-leaf <\/em>it, but Ecosexuality<\/em> is catching on in the home counties!<\/sub><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Love Me Do<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I always listen to Sun King by The Beatles<\/a> after having a wank. It’s BLISS!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Groovy!<\/em> We’re all about peace and self-love<\/em> here. *adds song to masturbation playlist*<\/strong><\/sub><\/p>\n\n\n

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Cutting It Vine<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I’m a landscape gardener by trade. And once I’ve trimmed the bushes, I like nothing more than to indulge in a mid-morning wank in the customer’s garden. It’s glorious!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We’ve heard of elevenses, but that’s a bit mulch<\/em>!<\/sub><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Click-Baited<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Some guy asked me to send a video of myself inserting a computer mouse inside of me – I almost lost it! Thank god it wasn’t wireless.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the choice words of Gunther, Friends <\/em>– “Put the mouse back in the house!<\/em>“<\/sub><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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\"Bondara<\/a>
Love Eggs<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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The Smell of Sex-cess<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

One evening, I was travelling home from work when I passed a female goth hitchhiker. I stopped and gave her a lift to the station. When she got out, I noticed she had left a small bag in the footwell of my car. I tried to shout out to her, but she had gone, so I looked in the bag. Inside were three pairs of used black PVC G-strings<\/a>, so I had a good sniff!<\/em> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The smell got me really hard, so I decided to have a wank. I parked the car in a discreet place and got to it. A few minutes later, I heard a knock on my window just as I had climaxed. It was the goth\u2026 Gesturing to the rubber panties<\/a> in my lap, she said, “I thought you might like them<\/em>“, and let me keep a pair! Happy days\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

An angel in black… We salute you, goth hitchhiker!<\/sub><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The Transat-wank-tic Texter<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I nearly got caught once masturbating in a train toilet somewhere in the US while sexting my boyfriend back home!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There’s always someone <\/em>busting for a shit when you’re masturbating on public transport, and quite wankly<\/em>, it’s rude.<\/sub><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Dothraki Domination<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Currently, I have to imagine Jason Momoa <\/em>telling me exactly what to do to get me anywhere…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kinky!<\/em> Now, that’s the kind of JOI<\/a> we could get into.<\/sub><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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The Toilet Break Tug<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I used to enjoy wanking at work<\/a>, pre-COVID when I was in the office all the time. In the loo, of course!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime – that’s why we cum on company time! SAY IT WITH ME!<\/sub><\/p>\n\n\n

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The Jizz Whizz<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I go crazy for the taste and smell of my own <\/em>cum. I can’t help but sniff and lick every time I jizz when I’m alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can’t beat your own brand!<\/sub><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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\"Bondara<\/a>
Cock Rings<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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Every Shaft’s a Laugh!<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I’ve used a cucumber and a wine bottle<\/em> to masturbate with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And we’re very proud of you for not skipping your veggies… Hiccup!<\/sub><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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\"Bondara<\/a>
Dildos<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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The Killer Combo<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I love nothing more than locking my cock into a chastity cage<\/a>, inserting an inflatable butt plug<\/a> and grinding my ass against a vibrating wand<\/a> until I explode!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I hear that’s what the French call a ‘M\u00e9nage \u00e0 Tr-AHHHH!<\/em>‘<\/sub><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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\"Bondara<\/a>
Prostate Massagers
<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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Hopefully, you’ve all learned a valuable lesson from these tugging tales! Or maybe you’ve had a Masturbation Month mishap yourself, and you’re feeling much better about it now \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Had a sex toy mishap? Or an awkward trip to A&E? Fap-cidents are bound to happen! Our customers reveal all for Masturbation Month…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":19887,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2260],"tags":[1718,4646,4780],"class_list":["post-19771","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-funny","tag-humour","tag-masturbation-month","tag-sex-confessions"],"yoast_head":"\nMasturbation Month: Confessions of a Wanker - Bondara Sex Toys Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Had a sex toy mishap? 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