{"id":18564,"date":"2021-05-28T14:42:13","date_gmt":"2021-05-28T13:42:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.bondara.co.uk\/blog\/?p=18564"},"modified":"2022-05-16T17:03:30","modified_gmt":"2022-05-16T16:03:30","slug":"confessions-of-a-wanker","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bondara.co.uk\/blog\/funny\/confessions-of-a-wanker\/","title":{"rendered":"Masturbation Month: Confessions of a Wanker"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

You’re horny. The coast is clear. Your porn is primed. And that sex toy is ready to rumble. So, you get down to some D.I.Y. But then disaster strikes!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you’ve been busted with your hands down your pants, suffered a sex toy mishap, or the dog’s licked your foot mid-orgasm – we’ve all been there. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

One thing is for sure, fap-cidents<\/em> are an occupational hazard when it cums to wanking. So, we asked you to submit your stickiest situations<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Get ready for some dirty (and NSFW) laughs!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The Concussed Cam Girl<\/em><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Playing on cam at 1 am, I got a little carried away and fell off the bed, headbutting my radiator HARD!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The loud bang of my skull hitting cast iron naturally woke my parents up. So, my mum came in to investigate…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And there, she discovered me. Semi-unconscious, in lingerie, with the vibrator<\/a> still buzzing inside of me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not ‘good vibes’, at all…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\"Bondara<\/a><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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Bondara Silicone Slim G-Spot Vibrator<\/a><\/h5>\n\n\n\n

You’re spoiled for stimulation with 20 rumbling vibration modes, while the angled tip delivers a mind-blowing G-spot massage. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Soft-touch silicone serves an ultra-smooth finish – just add a splash of water-based lubricant for explosive solo pleasure!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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The Glasgow Gazer<\/em><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

While living with my folks, I came home from a night out absolutely ‘wankered’. Our living room looked right out onto the driveway and always had the blinds closed because you can see RIGHT IN THERE. But, it was normal for my dad to be up at this time due to his insomnia.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, as I came stumbling up the drive, my eyes fixed in horror as I witnessed the sight: Sat there, with the blinds wide open (presumably because it was so late he didn’t think anyone would pass), phone in one hand, penis in the other, properly going for it<\/em>…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’ve never averted my gaze from anything so quickly in my life, and it’s fair to say he moved pretty quick too! When I went inside, I vaguely remember shouting: “Yi dirty dog, man!<\/em>” before crashing asleep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The next morning, he tried to tell me he was looking for “abnormalities” – the cheek!! Fair to say I’m glad I moved out. I don’t know how proud I should be that I was never caught wanking as a teenager, but catching my dad instead…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\"Bondara<\/a><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
\n


Lubido Hybrid Lubricant – 250ml<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

For a slippery stroke, this hybrid lubricant delivers a never-ending glide. The silicone infusion eliminates the sticky, drying feel of water-based lubes while still offering all the benefits! This expertly blended formula boasts long-lasting softness with a creamy consistency. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We promise LUBIDO<\/a> will enhance your solo sessions in just a few pumps!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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The Lusty Limper<\/em><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Getting down to business with a new thrusting vibrator<\/a>, I could barely believe my satisfaction!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As my body tensed toward an earth-shattering climax, stars before my eyes, toes like curly fries… An intense cramp overcame me, running throughout my entire left leg and foot!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Screaming as I came – in pleasure and pain. Let’s say, ‘It was the best of times and the worst of times<\/em>‘. And the limp lasted for a few days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’ll remember to stretch before I reach for that toy again!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\"Bondara<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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Bondara Groove Midi Wand Vibrator<\/a><\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Work out your sexual tension with his mini but mighty <\/em>vibrating wand in velvet-soft, body-safe silicone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The textured, flexible head reaches tighter spots to satisfy every inch with 10 modes, while its unique clitoral groove encapsulates your hot spot with rumbling vibes!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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The Loaded Gun<\/em><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

When I bought my first bullet vibrator<\/a>, I was in bed playing with myself, and the vibrations felt so <\/em>amazing on my clit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I moved it down, teasing myself until, out of nowhere, my vagina decided to swallow it… WHOLE!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was suck up there for two hours ON VIBRATE! Needless to say, it made my housework a lot more vigorous<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\"Bondara<\/a><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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Bondara Bang! Rechargeable Bullet Vibrator<\/a><\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Get straight to the point (of climax) with this chrome clit-pleaser. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Powerful yet petite at 3.5-inches; explore ten intensities and patterns with an angled tip for hard and fast external stimulation.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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The Krispy Kleenex<\/em><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

As a youngster, I was struggling with insomnia. One night, instead of counting sheep, I had a wank to send me off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sleepily, I couldn’t be arsed to get rid of my cummy tissue. So, I put it in my bedside drawer for later disposal and nodded off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I came home from work the following day, I opened the drawer to find the note; ‘THIS IS DISGUSTING! THROW IT AWAY!<\/em>” in my mother’s angriest <\/em>handwriting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mum had chosen that <\/em>day to rifle through my teenage drawer of shame to discover the incriminating evidence… Embarrassed and paranoid, I asked myself, “How often has she looked in there?!<\/em>“<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\"Bondara<\/a><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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Boss Hole-in-One Realistic Vibrating Masturbator<\/a><\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Mum’s the word with this torch-style vibrating cup! A powerful bullet sits behind your choice of orifice for intense vibrations as soon as you slip inside, while intricate internal texture surrounds your shaft for incredible stimulation on every stroke. Plus, hygiene is easy, so you can forget about the cummy tissues!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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The Acid Jerk<\/em><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

As a sexually remedial and repressed 14-year-old in Cornwall, my mates and I used to hang out in a parent’s converted garden shed. \u2018London Nick\u2019 had visited with a bag of Microdots for sale but he\u2019d dropped loads on the floor. So, we spent the next few days picking acid out of the carpet and eating it. We ended up tripping for a very <\/em>long time…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was the second night of tripping that unleashed a deep innate desire to be sexual, which I could no longer<\/em> contain. At that moment, I was aware that I\u2019d become completely hard, so I got up and walked outside into the garden and pulled my jeans down in the darkness. It wasn\u2019t something I had planned to do; it was spontaneous and unstoppable<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I stood in the pitch black and masturbated, feeling great surges of confused pleasure. No one knew I was there. Eventually, I came into a conifer bush. It was a huge relief, and I went back into the shed as if nothing had happened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This kind of intense arousal became a prevalent theme in future acid trips. I realise now that my sexual psyche had been completely suppressed, and these bizarre drug-induced sexual experiences were merely a symptom of that repression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also, side note; these days, I\u2019m happy, sober and sexually fulfilled, so don\u2019t worry<\/em> – I got there in the end!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\"\"\/<\/a><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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Bondara Remote Control Vibrating Butt Plug<\/a><\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Pleasure your P-spot – hands-free – with five intensities and five pulsing patterns with a click of the remote for explosive outcomes…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With a gentle tapering edge, flexible neck and a broad stopping point for safe anal play, this slimline smoothie slips inside with ease in velvet-soft silicone. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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The Bluetooth Bungler<\/em><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

As a gamer, I have an impressively large sound system on my PC. But I treated myself to a set of Bluetooth headphones to indulge in after-hours Call of Duty<\/a><\/em>. Excitedly, I was in a rush to try them out…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Exploiting my newfound privacy, I slapped on the lesbian porn du jour<\/em>, and without a moment’s hesitation, whapped <\/em>my knob out and went to town.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Enjoying the surround sound of satisfied screams, I pleasured myself furiously to Mia Malkova<\/a><\/em> eating Riley Reid’s<\/a><\/em> ass.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Approaching climax, I suddenly felt the cold boney hand of my 70-something nan grasp my unsuspecting shoulder. To my dismay, the Bluetooth disconnected when I went for a pre-game pee, booming the porno audio through my speaker system for my parents and nan to hear downstairs!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let’s say it made for quite <\/em>an awkward Sunday roast.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Are you a wanker? ‘Fap-cidents’ are an occupational hazard when it cums to wanking. So, we’ve asked you to submit your stickiest stories! <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":18567,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2260],"tags":[4646,4780],"class_list":["post-18564","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-funny","tag-masturbation-month","tag-sex-confessions"],"yoast_head":"\nMasturbation Month: Confessions of a Wanker - Bondara Sex Toys Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Are you a wanker? 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