If you were to troll through my recent search history, (I would strongly advise against this) or examine the questions I have recently asked Google, you would probably come to one of two conclusions; this person is seriously obsessed with sperm and everything semen, or, Steak and Blowjob Day is fast approaching. I suppose, in all reality, you would be right with either answer. I do have an especially odd penchant for this fascinating fluid, but Steak and Blowjob Day, 14th March, comes but once a year and it has me extremely giddy.
It is outrageous to think that this special, protein packed day is not a classic Hallmark Holiday. Due to non-existent advertising and, what with it falling on a ball aching Thursday, you will have to execute a cunning plan if you want a successful PB & J, I mean, S & BJ. You could try the blunt approach and boldly announce that, ‘this Thursday, I want a steak and a blowjob, and I want them both well done’ but that outlandish strategy would leave a rather bad taste in my mouth. I prefer to start a few days earlier by inserting small, subtle hints into their psyche. After all, oral sex should be an enjoyable marathon, not a premature sprint. And thanks to Google answering my questions, here are a few spermy bombshells to drop as this wonderful day draws closer.
Execute the Plan
Over a casual glass of Merlot, and totally out of context, break out the, ‘did you know that sperm is actually really good for your skin?’, fact. Before they react, while looking deep into their eyes, quickly and confidently add, ‘in sperm, a crystalline polyamine compound called Spermine can be found. This particular compound is also known as an antioxidant. It is believed to diminish wrinkles, smooth skin and help with taming or preventing acne’. Then take a sip of wine and stare into the distance as that nugget of knowledge sinks in.
Do not bombard your partner in one sitting. Mix it up. If you are someone who likes your essence being swallowed, go for something a bit different. Wait until they are brushing their teeth and casually breeze in; ‘semen is surprisingly low in calories and is extremely filling. Semen contains only one percent sperm and the rest is composed of over 200 separate proteins. And do not forget the vitamins and minerals including vitamin C, calcium, chlorine, citric acid, fructose, lactic acid, magnesium, nitrogen, phosphorus, potassium, sodium, vitamin B12, and zinc.’ As they gargle and wonder what the hell you are on about, simply pat them on the ass and disappear, leaving your latest information to register.
Up the Steak and Blowjob Day Ante
Now you have started the process, it is time to up the ante. If you want your penis to truly enjoy this incredible day, I urge you to try the vague, full on subliminal approach. ‘Hey baby, just wondering, have you had your tonsils out?’. ‘Wow, you look so beautiful when you yawn’. ‘Here, have a banana.’
And the pièce de résistance when secretly planning your meat and blowjobs day is this; settle down for an episode of Blue Planet and pause the TV every time a sperm whale swims into view. Act as though you are about to comment but suddenly lose your train of thought. ‘Sorry babe, I forgot what I was going to say. Anyway, where were we, oh yeah, the sperm whale!’ (You can thank me for this one later.)
Oh, the steak part? Forget about the steak because to be honest, that lump of meat is a distraction you could do without. So, if you were waiting for advice on the types of meat you could eat on this glorious day, Google it yourselves; what do you think I am, a fucking butcher?
Now go home and plant these special Steak and Blowjob Day seeds in your partner’s head so that when Thursday comes, so will you!
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