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How to Win Back your Ex

Break-ups are devastating, particularly if you remain convinced they’re ‘the One’. Time apart tends to do one of two things. One: lead you to an Eat, Pray, Love enlightenment in which you decide you’re better off without them. Or two: make you so miserable you feel like Kate without her Leo or Ben without his Jerry. Hopefully, you’ll both realise what you’re missing and reunite. Unfortunately, that’s rare and it takes some work to get back together. Considering you’ve come across this page, we’ll assume you’re in the latter group. Here’s our guide on how to win back your ex…


Man and woman couple sitting on sofa looking sad and angry touching hands


There’s a big line between romantic pursuit and stalking…

Desperately pestering your ex and begging to be taken back is a classic mistake. Feeling like you are the be-all and end-all to someone’s happiness is a massive turn-off and incredibly intimidating. Instead, show your ex that you are happy within yourself and that while you don’t need them, you want them. Do this by having a period of no-contact; go out and see friends, develop new, healthy habits and enjoy yourself.


Making the first move…

When you’ve given it time (a month, minimum) without contact, send them a text. Phoning can seem too intense and you run the risk of them ignoring your call altogether. A text will allow you to get your message across while giving them time to react and reply. Try drawing upon a memory the two of you shared – perhaps you’ve just seen something that reminded you of them. Let them know that you hope they’re well and that it would be nice to catch up. By subconsciously forcing them to think about a fond memory (without spilling your heart out), they’re more likely to be open to reconnecting.


Anonymous man holding phone texting


Keep it casual…

Deciding where to meet again for the first time is tricky; homes are too personal and invasive while going out for dinner is too formal. An afternoon walk or meeting for lunch will be a relaxing environment  for you both. It’s heartbreaking when you’re sat across from your loved one but try to avoid spilling your heart out or dragging up the dirty details of your split. Instead, ask them how work is and what they thought of the new film you knew they’d be queuing up to see. Definitely don’t discuss your conquests during your time apart – the last thing either of you will want to hear is how you have had amazing sex with someone else.


Learn the difference between being doting and a doormat…

Bear in mind that you aren’t going to start where you left off so treat it like a new relationship and go the extra mile. Flowers and chocolates are great but take advantage of the fact you know them already and give them something more personal. If their new favourite game has been released or there’s a must-have make-up palette that you know they’ll love, surprise them with it. Remember, you should both be wanting to make this work; if the effort clearly isn’t being reciprocated, it may be time to re-evaluate whether this relationship is viable in the long run.


Young happy couple showing man lifting up girl kissing him


Forgive and forget…

It’s important to recognise what led to the break up. Take the time to sit down and have a conversation about each other’s perspectives on the matter – some people find therapy helpful as it allows for an open discussion with an objective mediator. However, don’t keep bringing it up. Picture your relationship as a baby bird: it needs love and nurture for any hope of survival and rehashing the same thing over and over again will knock it out of the nest before its first flight (sorry for the graphic image but you get the idea). You’re both willing to get back together so allow yourselves to move on and give your relationship the best chance of working.


That being said…

…learn from past mistakes and acknowledge where improvements need to be made. Should you make more of an effort to be friends with their friends? Suggest meeting up as a group. Did they not think you were committed? Don’t panic and put a ring on it but consider giving them a key to your place or casually mention children to show you’re thinking about the future. Feel free to ignore this point if they want you to change how you look or who you are. The dramatic makeovers may work well in films (Olivia Newton-John, we’re looking at you) but are a recipe for disaster in the real world. Not only will you have to live up to your new image and permanently censor yourself, it also begs the question of why you want to get back with this person in the first place.


Olivia Newton-John as Sandy in Grease after transformation smoking cigarette


The final – and most important – piece of advice is to give it time. This is probably the last thing you want to hear but those in ‘cycling relationships’ (where the couple breaks up and gets back together) tend to have higher levels of dissatisfaction and a lack of trust. It’ll take a while and a lot of work to get back to where you were before but if you’re prepared to do that, you’re certainly showing a good sign that you’re meant to be together. Good luck and let us know how you get on!

2 thoughts on “How to Win Back your Ex”

  1. The advice is so true, after being in an 11year relationship the last year was simply awful, my ex hit a mid life crisis at 35 and I simply packed his stuff and left it on the door step after I changed the locks I thought if he wanted to relive being 21 then I wasn’t putting up with it. I missed him so bad and would ring him,bump into him (knowing where he was) stalk his Facebook beg him to come back after a few self help therapy sessions I started getting life back on track,going out and loving life being me on my own. 2 years later it has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. For the last 6 months he had tried so hard to get back what we had he sends gifts every week reminding me of the good times we had, it’s Been hard not to jump straight back into living together but I haven’t, we see each other a few times a month to go out and enjoy a film, a club or just for a walk, we have become friends who share everything again, who knows what is in store for our future but I am not rushing into the doormat situation I know that for sure! I also know of it does not work out I am happy to move on with my life because I’m happy being me x

  2. Desperately pestering your ex and begging to be taken back is a classic mistake. Feeling like you are the be-all and end-all to someone’s happiness is not only a massive turn-off, it’s also incredibly intimidating.

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