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The Single Diaries: Online Dating

Single and ready to mingle, one of our very own in-house managers is lifting the lid on life as a (nearly) 30 year old, single woman living in Essex. She dishes out sex and relationship advice on the daily and has a glass tentacle dildo on her desk, so there’s no denying she has all the know-how. However, as she’s finding out, that doesn’t always make dating any easier…

…so today I decided to take the plunge and take up a new hobby….fishing! No, I don’t mean actual fishing, I’m talking about the dating site Plenty of Fish. Now, for someone who has only ever dabbled in swiping left or right on Tinder, this will be the first time I have taken my online dating efforts to the next level.

I’ve always been put off by having to create a full on profile. It’s time consuming and a bit boring but maybe if I reveal more about myself, I’ll be able to attract the right kind of guy. Here goes…

Close up of woman on phone

It’s 11am and I’ve been live on Plenty of Fish for no more than an hour. I check my inbox and I’ve got well over 100 messages. Wow! How did these people find me already and where did they come from?! I guess that’s the difference with sites like this: literally anyone and everyone can contact you.

Curiosity piqued, I take a coffee break and plough through the first lot of messages. It doesn’t take me long to realise that this is not going to be as easy as I first thought. Below are the best of a (very!) bad bunch.


“I would love to spread Nutella all over your body, and then lick it off”

Maybe I shouldn’t have put my love for Nutella on my ‘About Me’ section, but Nutella really is life, right?!


“I think we should delete our profiles, get married and live happily ever after xx”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally into the whole Disney fairytale thing, but this message just screams desperation!


“Bet you sell black dildos the most”

…maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned where I work. Note to self: next time, just lie!


“Are you actually real? How are you single? Lol”

Corny, boring and any man who says ‘lol’ on their first message is a no-go

Goodbye gif

“How does a guy completely below your league go about getting a response from you?”

Confidence is key and there is nothing confident about this message at all. From previous experience, men like this cannot handle me!


“Marry me?”

…enough said


“Hey, how are you? Glad it’s Friday?”

Wow, a semi normal message! Except today is Thursday…doh!


“Riddle: What do you call a beautiful and stunning woman? (one word)”

So guys, don’t judge me but I was actually intrigued by this. I replied ‘what?’ and within five seconds he answered ‘you’. Ok, bad move, delete, next!


“I would love to make you my pet and stroke you all day long…”

I didn’t even know how to respond to this, so I just laughed, a lot! Needless to say he didn’t get a reply…


“Would you let me kiss you all over? I’m so tempted!”

The temptation isn’t yours to have, my friend. And besides, being single means I don’t shave my legs unless it’s a special occasion!

Anchorman regretting decision gif

My first 60 minutes on Plenty of Fish hasn’t been quite as successful as I had hoped. Maybe swiping on Tinder is more my thing – at least that way, I can control who messages me! I’m going to give online dating a good 24 hours to see if any golden carp come through but something tells me I’m going to end up with a piece of rubbish at the end of my rod. The search continues!

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