When it comes to sex we all have a rough idea of what we like and what turns us on. This can include aesthetic preference, favourite sex positions and maybe even our preferred roll play games. In the case of fetish however, we’re not quite so sure.
Supposedly the majority of people, if not all people, have a sexual fetish. If you’re quick to say “I don’t have a fetish” then in may just be that you’re yet to realise what your fetish is.
If you were ever brave enough to attend a fetish party you’d likely find that the majority of attendees were middle aged, give or take a few years; certainly not in their early twenties. This is because we don’t discover our little kinks and sexual niches until a bit later in life. In our teens and early twenties we’re still trying to figure out how sex works. Sexy lingerie and fluffy handcuffs is as far as it gets for most young lovers, so you can put aside the urethral sounding rod and electric anal probe for another time.
So why is it that we discover our fetishes later in life? Why not when we’re young and everything seems new and exciting?
Well, for one, when you’ve “done everything”; every position in the Kama Sutra, sex outdoors, roll play, sex toys, threesomes, 50 Shades of Grey style BDSM, you’re left wondering what else there is to try. During your sexual exploration you may tap into some perverted desire which has lain dormant for most of your young life.
Another reason we discover our fetishes when we’re a little older is that we have fewer inhibitions than our younger, shyer selves. For instance, perhaps deep down inside you want nothing more than to lick your partner’s sweaty armpits. You may repress this desire as you’re told that armpits are “gross” and you’re worried that your partner will think you’re disgusting. This mental conditioning can be so strong that you can’t even fantasise about that ‘dirty desire’ when you’re alone, masturbating.
Some people may find that they’re in their 50s or 60s before discovering their fetish. Other people may go to the grave without ever having fully explored their sexuality. Different lifestyles, cultural norms and religious teachings can play a huge roll in whether or not a person, consciously or unconsciously, represses their fetish. If you’re part of an orthodox family and are expected to behave with decency and uphold a clean reputation, you may be hesitant to ask your meek little wife to fuck you in the ass with a courgette.
So is it possible to purposefully tap into your inner most perversions and enjoy being a deviant now rather than later?
Sometimes discovering your fetish can be a case of going further down the rabbit hole.
Have you ever been listening to a story, perhaps even a story which wasn’t sexual in nature, yet for some reason that story stirred something in you… down below. An example may be a friend telling you that once, on a camping trip, she squatted in a bush to pee and much to her surprise was caught in the act by a passing stranger.
The ‘normal’ reaction to that story would probably be to laugh or empathetically cringe, but whilst everyone else at the hypothetical table found the anecdote amusing, you found yourself strangely horny. Maybe you’re in to piss play? Maybe you like the idea of being publically humiliated? Maybe you like the thought of doing something kinky outdoors and getting caught?
When you experience a trigger such as that you should go further down the rabbit hole and try to understand why that particular story turned you on. When you go home that night, have a look on porn sites or read erotic stories surrounding the topic and see where it takes you. If you find that you’re becoming increasingly aroused then you may be discovering your fetish.
If you’ve never experienced an external trigger; you’ve never found yourself staring at a woman’s shoes on the train, nor have you ever been mesmerised by an enormous belly, then it may be worth exploring different porn categories, reading more erotic literature or simply exposing yourself to a wider variety on non-sexual stimuli in order to uncover your fetish. Travelling, meeting new people and learning about new topics can broaden your mind and expand your sexual horizons. It’s hard to predict when something ‘ordinary’ can become wildly arousing but the journey can certainly be a lot of fun.
So what do you do upon discovery of this fetish? Well, the simplest answer is “enjoy it”. Despite what mainstream society would have you believe, sex isn’t dirty, wrong or sinful. If something comes naturally to you sexually then it is just that; natural. You should feel free to explore your sexuality so far as it doesn’t seriously hurt you or anyone else.
But, what if you have a partner who’s not as excited about this new discovery as you are?
Well, communication is important for all aspects of a relationship, so bedroom antics should be no different. If you and your partner are comfortable with one another then adding something new to the bedroom could be exciting and even enhance your sex life.
Life is more fun with a fetish so the sooner you figure yours out the better.