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Got Wood?

Imagine you’re walking through a forest on a warm summer’s afternoon; the sunlight is twinkling through the leaves above you and speckling the ground below… all around you flowers are in full bloom, the bushes are rich with berries and the trees are proudly fashioning every shade of green… then suddenly, boner.


Dendrophilia describes a sexual arousal from trees, or “love of trees” when strictly translated. I once briefly mentioned xylophlia in a blog post, xylophilia being sexual arousal from wood, but wood is dead unlike trees which are living ‘breathing’ organisms.

Vegans save them, Green Peace hug them and hippies dance around them, but somewhere a guy is fucking them.

So what is it about trees that these woodland wanderers just can’t resist? You could say that to a certain extent we all have an affinity with nature; being surrounded by trees makes us feel alive and ‘as one’ with the earth. In certain tribes trees are seen as icons of fertility, and in others they’re viewed as holy, phallic symbols.


But although many of us may find tranquility in a forest and enjoy a spiritual connection with the earth, very few of us would sense a stirring downstairs and a sudden urge to get splinters in our nether regions.

For some the allure comes from the feel and smell of the wood and how a tree stimulates the senses – the coarse surface, the fresh scent, the different colours… This fetishist admires the flaws in the wood, the knots and imperfections, and is aroused at the sight of a tree’s long, glorious branches.


There have been several recorded cases in which men were banned from national parks and public recreational areas as a consequence of their attempts to fuck trees… or even their successes in fucking trees. To me tree sex just sounds painful; trees have no warm, wet, fleshy orifice, only a rough, coarse surface to rub against… maybe if you use a little sap as lube? No.

Of course not all Dendrophiles are men, you could just as easily see a woman rubbing her crotch against the trunk of a tree and screaming out in pleasure as you walk the dog on a Sunday morning. If you think a woman having sex with a tree is weird, just know that once an American woman had sex with the Eiffel Tower.


Dendrophiles will usually have a preference for a certain type of tree; just as we may prefer blondes, brunettes or red heads, a dendrophile could have a thing for a birch, oak or spruce tree. Some people like big black cock, others like giant redwoods.

For a lot people sexual fantasies involve hot celebrities like Ryan Gosling, Scarlett Johansson and Bradley Cooper, but for a dendrophile, who are the tasty tree celebs? I suppose this forest fanatic would have to rub one out over movie stars such as Groot,Treebeard and Grandmother Willow.

Of course there is no better time of year for a tree fetishistthan Christmas – suddenly trees are indoors, shedding their sexy, long, green pines all over the floor. Perhaps tinsel and baubles are to a Christmas tree as sexy lingerie and stilettos are to a woman.


Well if you get excited at the thought of tree sex then perhaps the closest you can get to satisfying your sexual urges, without getting hurt or arrested, is to buy a wooden sex toy… unless of course you see cutting down trees as murder, then, awkward….

Have a great weekend!

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