Recently dear readers, we have heard some disturbing rumours. According to several online and therefore hopefully unreliable sources, fingering has gone out of fashion. That’s right, you read that correctly. The age old fingerbang is no more and this blog entry will try to address why this is stupid and how it proves that teenagers are idiots.
It has been said in recent studies that more than ever before, people are just jumping straight into oral sex and skipping out the fingering part. But this poses a worrying thought. What if this trend continues and we start skipping boobs! And then kissing! What if it gets so far that you meet someone on a first date and instead of leaning in for a peck on the cheek, you’re undoing your flies?! No time for a handshake, it’s straight to anal – Slightly extreme I know, but maybe we should be on the safe side and nip it in the bud now.
Fingering is a part of our culture. Back in the dark ages when cavemen discovered fingering, it made for a great after-hunt treat and they loved it so much, that we haven’t stopped since. Why did you think hem lines had been getting progressively shorter since then? Easier access people! What is the point of having a back seat on the bus if fingering isn’t happening? Not to mention the cinema, ferris wheels, bike sheds, your girlfriend’s parent’s sofa, booth tables the list goes on. If people stop fingering each other then there will be a huge dip in hilarious and gross clubbing pictures. Nobody wants that. I’m serious, what will I do on my lunch break if those pictures go away?
Also, you’re just asking for trouble if you go to lick something before you’ve felt out the goods first. What if she has a demon vagina and there you are with your tongue out looking into a portal to hell?! Have you never seen that film Teeth? I would rather lose a hand than my face any day.
So there you have it, teenagers are idiots and they are ruining future sex for everyone. If the next generation can’t do sex right then my crazy cougar years are going to be shit. I don’t want to be hiring a gorgeous, super ripped, 6ft 2”, dark and handsome gardener in 20 years time, sitting out on the decking watching him mow the lawn in the summer heat whilst sipping on a dirty margarita thinking about all the things he could do to me, only to find out that he hasn’t even heard of fingering. What a future disappointment.