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Category Archives: Funny

Found On The Internet | Walmart Sells Gun Oil Lube

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A gun counter at a Walmart in Alabama has been stocking Gun Oil Lubricant under the impression that it would literally lubricate their guns.

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I guess if you’re unfamiliar with anal lube then this is a relatively easy mistake to make, but seriously, who doesn’t read the label before buying something in!

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Sorry Walmart, but Gun Oil, whilst being a very effective and high quality lubricant for your genitals, is not going to do much good for when applied to your hunting rifle.fb08

Who knows! Maybe this was all an intentional ploy to encourage those gun-shooting folk to put down their weapons and take up more of an interest in the finer things in life*

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*Anal Sex

Orgasmic GIFs

Just a list of GIFs that reminded us of orgasms. Enjoy!

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The classic ‘I’m-so-happy-this-is-happening’ face.

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The sudden and slightly violent orgasm.

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Just riding the wave over here.

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The unexpected one.

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The cliché fireworks GIF. But it works so sorrynotsorry.

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So many things are happening all at once.

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The Alan Rickman orgasm *fans self*

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Meh, it could have been better but I’m still glad to be here.

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  The ‘should-I-seek-medical-attention?’ orgasm.

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I think we can all tell what type this is.

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Good but over pretty quickly.

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Slow building and gentle. The romantic orgasm.

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The ‘I-can’t-control-my-face’ Orgasm.

Daaaamn

 

12 Lessons About Sex That Uni Teaches Us

1.Sober sex is best

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You might be more confident after a few rounds, but if you’re too drunk then no one will be having a good time and you’ll only wake up embarrassed and in need of a bucket and a fry up. Once this happens, you will agree that sober sex is a lot more fun and a lot less messy. Plus you’re 100% more likely to remember it in the morning.

2.Be sure about your hook up choices

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A good rule of thumb when you’re about to go home with/take someone home, is to pop to the loos for a quick wank. This works for both men and women. If you still want to go home with this person after your horny tinted glasses have been removed then go ahead and enjoy yourself! But on the off chance that you do change your mind, you will have saved yourself from waking up with regret! Score!

3.Always, always, always use a condom

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Your Parents, Teachers and GP have been drilling it into your brain since that first talk about the birds and the bees. But that dreaded moment will come when you start feeling itchy or you find a bump that wasn’t there before or your period is a few days late and then you will be wishing you’d listened. Plus as a student free condoms are literally everywhere! Fresher’s fairs, the GUM clinic, your student union. Save yourself the stress and just use one.

4.Everyone is a little kinky

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After sleeping with a few different people you will come to an understanding that everyone has a bit of a freak inside them who is desperate to come out. Even if it’s just a hook up who liked to give hickeys or a date who spoke dirty. Everyone has something and accepting this as a fact will have you feeling a lot more confident about exploring your own desires.

5.Cleanliness is underrated

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You probably already realised that body odour plays a big part in sexual attraction, but it is often overlooked in the bedroom. If your partner hasn’t washed in the last 24 hours and you’ve just been out for a Chinese and a pint, then the following bedroom activities are guaranteed to be spoiled with the after taste of chow mein and the sent of BO. This issue is real, stay fresh.

6.It’s not as kinky as you think it is

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We often go into uni with preconceived ideas and opinions about everything, including sex, yet that will completely alter during the next three or four years. One of the biggest realisations will be that what you thought was super kinky is actually pretty common. a.k.a Bum sex is not a big deal and most people are doing it.

7.Effort is important

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Good sex doesn’t just happen. A little effort is needed for a night to be really amazing. Just because your partner is attractive or you’re really particularly hot yourself, will not mean the sex will be mind blowing. You have to put the time and hard work in to get the desired results. That’s why so many graduates have a strong work ethic these days.

8.Some people are trying to sleep

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You might be pleased that you’re getting laid, but your house mates are guaranteed to not care nearly as much. Student houses have notoriously thin walls and if you want to have friends after graduation day then a little consideration might be prudent. Sharing is not always caring.

9.You’re not going to meet your soul mate during fresher’s week

 

Uni is notorious for bed hopping and sleeping around. This isn’t everybody’s style but it’s best to accept that many people are looking for casual fun and to be open about that if it’s the case. You are unlikely to meet your soul mate during fresher’s week. It could happen, but it’s just not likely.

10.Experience doesn’t guarantee a good time

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Just because someone over in the flat opposite has been hailed as the campus fox doesn’t mean they will actually be any good in the bedroom. Choosing a sexual partner is not like applying for a job. Experience doesn’t matter at all. There are virgins out there with hundreds of kinky fantasies they are excited to explore and others with notches all along their bedposts who still think missionary is the only sex position.

11.A little preparation goes a long way

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If you know that you are going out with the chance of staying out, then why not slip some essential into your bag or back pocket before you leave. A toothbrush or a packet of gum, some flat shoes or a fresh pair of undies. “I regret putting that packet of make-up wipes into my purse before going out last night” said nobody ever.

12.Nothing to be ashamed about

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Let’s be honest with ourselves. It’s uni, the most exciting time of your life so far and if you want to stay in someone else’s bed from time to time then you should be able to do just that without any judgement at all. Just be safe and smart and never do anything that you don’t want to do. Who needs the walk of shame when you can stride with pride!

The Six Stages of Kissing

To celebrate National Kissing Day we’ve put together a list of the six stages of kissing. Never again will you be left post-kiss wondering what that particular smooch meant. All you need to know will be provided within this list. So pucker up and get ready for some serious educating.

Stage One: Pecking

So you’ve found yourself close to another person’s face. If this is the first time you’ve been close to this particular face, or in fact any face, then the kiss you’re most likely to encounter is the Peck.

Short, sweet and adorable, this stage is the viral cat video of kisses. It leaves you sighing and occasionally going ‘awww’ when you think back on it.

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Stage Two: Lingering Peck

If you are relatively familiar with other people’s faces then you can skip straight to this stage of kissing. The lingering peck is pretty much a peck that lingers on a bit longer.

You lean in for the first kiss, lean back for a second and then you pull the ‘I can’t help but kiss you again’ move and sweep back in for a few more. It’s a classic in the kissing community.

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Stage Three: Getting Warmer

This is a proper kiss. The kind of kiss you will use most often when you’ve established a kissing partner in your life that you’ve already experienced stage one and two with.

It’s a longer, firmer, is-that-a-bit-of-tongue-I-feel kind of kiss that when executed properly should leave you mildly out of breath with a strange tingly feeling in your upper thigh area.

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Stage Four: Advanced Make Out

This is simply turning up the heat with some cheeky kissing extras that will win you some ‘combo points’ if you will.

For example a little lip biting (not too rough) or holding of the face, a brief diversion to neck kissing, a little more tongue. It could be anything! It all depends on what you’re into.

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Stage Five: Setting the Table

This is the kind of kiss with a purpose. We all know that you have to lay the table before you sit down to eat, and it’s the same with sex. This is the kiss that will set the tone for the night ahead.

I recommend all the tips from stage five with a little more intensity and a little less clothing.

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Stage Six: Post-Glow

This is a simple kiss, no frills or bows needed. You’ve reached the top of the kissing ladder, so now it’s time to enjoy the view with a breathy, warm and sultry smooch.

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Well done you.

Valentine’s Day Facts

In Victorian times, it was thought to be bad luck to sign a Valentine’s Day card with your name. That’s why I sign all mine ‘I’m watching you right now’ instead. No replies as of yet.il_570xN.302167564

In the 1800, those who were pining for their lost loves were advised to eat chocolate. This sounds about right to me.

On average, around 1 billion Valentine’s Day cards around the world are exchanged each year. That’s a lotta love.

images (2)Over £1 billion is spent on chocolate alone at Valentine’s! How about some chocolate body paint instead? Change it up a little!

One of the many theories on the origins of Valentine’s Day is that it started with a Roman festival where men stripped naked and spanked women to increase their fertility. Kinky! We approve!

valentine_2Girls in medieval times would eat strange foods on Valentine’s Day in the hopes that it would have them dreaming of their future love. *ring ring* Yes, I’d like to order the crocodile curry with a side of beetroot mash please… what?

Around 73% of flower sales on Valentine’s Day are made by men. Come on girls! Treat your other half to a bunch of roses on this special day!

Valentine-Greeting-Cards-115% of women in the US send themselves a bunch of flowers on Valentine’s Day. This. Is. Genius.

220,000 is the average number of proposals that happen every year on Valentine’s Day. I wonder how many happen on National Orgasm Day!

valentines-day-restaurants-melbourne-flIt takes your brain one fifth of a second to fall in love. Well you know what they say! The brain knows what the heart wants.

Happy Valentine’s Day, you saucy lot! x

[NSFW] The Gruesome History of Sex Toys

Sex toys come in all shapes and sizes and the general rule is that if you can imagine a sex toy, then chances are it already exists. But the origins of some of our kinky favourites may be slightly spookier than you would have expected. Whilst researching the humble beginnings of our sexy favourites, some strange similarities between medieval torture devices and a few of the more extreme toys started appearing…

The Horse was a popular torture device that had its victims sitting on a sharply angled, triangular wooden box, putting all their weight on their crotch. After a session on this nasty contraption the victim would be left unable to walk without pain. Fast forward to now and a less extreme version of The Horse can often be found in BDSM playrooms (ahem Mr Grey), often dubbed the wooden pony. This kinky apparatus is used to balance its victim between pleasure and pain, and on top of that it puts them in the perfect position for spanking.

The Horse

Stocks were a public humiliation device back in the day, used to punish petty criminals by locking their feet, hands and sometimes their necks in between carved wooden planks. You will probably have seen people locked up in these whilst having rotten tomatoes pelted at them in various Robin Hood remakes. These remind me of the spreader bars. A bit of a stretch maybe, but these contraptions would keep the legs or arms firmly parted and mildly uncomfortable, just like the popular spreader bondage accessories. Hopefully fewer tomatoes are involved these days, but who am I to judge if that’s what you’re into!The Stocks

Gimp Masks. This one is a bit weird, but did you know that there is this device called the Scold’s Bridle that women who were being accused or witchcraft, bad wives, being rude or even being grumpy had to wear?! These iron masks would have a mouth piece that pressed down on the tongue so the wearer couldn’t talk and it was also common for these women to be put on a leash and paraded around town to humiliate them. So elements of gag play, puppy play, domination play, humiliation play and of course the classic gimp mask can be linked with this bizarre device. However, I doubt the women who had to endure this were getting off on it at the time!

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Ok so this next one is really gruesome, but believe it or not, there used to be a device called The Breast Ripper that would act as a pair of giant scissor pincers that – yes, you guessed it – tore women’s boobs off! This one makes me cringe just to imagine it, but you have to admit, if you shrink one of these monsters down, it bears an uncanny resemblance to the more extreme fetish nipple clamps. Again, these clamps are common toys for more extreme fetish play, but in the same way a chicken is related to a dinosaur, it could be possible that the humble nipple clip descended from the horrifying Breast Ripper.

The Breast Ripper

The Rack is one of the more well-known torture devices, but have you ever considered its strange familiarity to bed restraints? Yeah, probably not. This one is a bit of a stretch (yes I realise that was a pun, yes it was intended) but when the victim of the Rack is laid out with their wrists and ankles restrained and their bodies tied down, it does have a faintly kinky air to it.

The Rack

Ok so this one is another slightly gruesome one. The Heretics Fork was a neck collar with a sharp double ended fork on the front that points between your chin and your collar bone to keep your neck high and your body restrained. The victim would probably get pretty bloody, and that was kind of the point. But it is not un-common for bondage play to include a posture collar to keep the wearers chin high and back straight, the same way the sinister Heretics Fork would.

Heretic's Fork

So finally, to end this morbid list on a particularly gory note, the Spanish Tickler is a prime example of a horrendous device that has been translated into a kinky modern day sex toy. This weapon of sorts looks like a sharp and heavy rake that was slowly dragged down the victim’s bare body, slicing up the skin and flesh, so they would bleed out, but not before enduring severe pain. Cut to the present day and age and we have the Cat’s Paw, a sharp and stimulating claw shaped fork that is made to be dragged along the skin for some innocent sensation play. This toy can also be used to inflict some kinky pain, but nothing close to the original.

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Well hopefully you found this as strangely fascinating, if not slightly scary as I did. Perfect for putting you in the mood for some spooky Halloween fun!

The Fall of the Finger

Recently dear readers, we have heard some disturbing rumours. According to several online and therefore hopefully unreliable sources, fingering has gone out of fashion. That’s right, you read that correctly. The age old fingerbang is no more and this blog entry will try to address why this is stupid and how it proves that teenagers are idiots.

It has been said in recent studies that more than ever before, people are just jumping straight into oral sex and skipping out the fingering part. But this poses a worrying thought. What if this trend continues and we start skipping boobs! And then kissing! What if it gets so far that you meet someone on a first date and instead of leaning in for a peck on the cheek, you’re undoing your flies?! No time for a handshake, it’s straight to anal – Slightly extreme I know, but maybe we should be on the safe side and nip it in the bud now.

Fingering is a part of our culture. Back in the dark ages when cavemen discovered fingering, it made for a great after-hunt treat and they loved it so much, that we haven’t stopped since. Why did you think hem lines had been getting progressively shorter since then? Easier access people! What is the point of having a back seat on the bus if fingering isn’t happening? Not to mention the cinema, ferris wheels, bike sheds, your girlfriend’s parent’s sofa, booth tables the list goes on. If people stop fingering each other then there will be a huge dip in hilarious and gross clubbing pictures. Nobody wants that. I’m serious, what will I do on my lunch break if those pictures go away?

Also, you’re just asking for trouble if you go to lick something before you’ve felt out the goods first. What if she has a demon vagina and there you are with your tongue out looking into a portal to hell?! Have you never seen that film Teeth? I would rather lose a hand than my face any day.

So there you have it, teenagers are idiots and they are ruining future sex for everyone. If the next generation can’t do sex right then my crazy cougar years are going to be shit. I don’t want to be hiring a gorgeous, super ripped, 6ft 2”, dark and handsome gardener in 20 years time, sitting out on the decking watching him mow the lawn in the summer heat whilst sipping on a dirty margarita thinking about all the things he could do to me, only to find out that he hasn’t even heard of fingering. What a future disappointment.

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20 Strange Sex Facts

Here is a list of 20 strange facts about sex that you probably didn’t know about, well you may know about some of them. I don’t know your life. From the weird and wacky to the downright bizarre, this list has a little bit of everything.

 

70% of all room service revenue comes from ordering porn. It’s free on the internet people. Just sayin’…

 

If you are caught watching porn in North Korea then the penalty is death.

 

Jackie Chan started his showbiz career by doing a few adult movies. If you know the names of said movies, please leave a comment. I need them for research purposes.

Gymnophoria is the sense that someone is mentally undressing you.

 

The average male orgasm lasts up to 6 seconds and a female orgasm can last up to 23 seconds. #Winning

Seven Viagra tablets are sold every second.

 

The vibrator sex toy was originally invented in the 19th century to reduce hysteria in women. Any excuse huh!

 

The scientific name for morning wood is ‘Nocturnal Penile Tumescence’.

Liquorice can lower your sex drive. *slowly puts down bag of Allsorts*

 

Depending on the quality, a condom can hold up to seven gallons of liquid.

Your pain threshold increases during arousal.

 

‘Objectum Sexuals’ is the name for people who feel an emotional and physical attraction to inanimate objects. Does anyone remember the lady who married the Eiffel Tower? I expect the honeymoon was uneventful.

 

Over 100 million acts of sex happen every single day.

A woman has twice as many nerve endings in her clitoris than a man has in his whole penis.

 

The average vagina is 3 – 4 inches long, but can expand up to 200 percent when
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I did not know this. Did anyone know this?!

 

Eating celery makes men more sexually attractive to women as it increases the pheromone levels in a man’s body.

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The term for someone who’s sexually attracted to trees is Dendrophilia.

 

The record for the most female orgasms is 134 in one hour.

 

 

A man’s nipples are just as sensitive as a woman’s. But why do they have them?!?

 

In the early 1500s condoms were made of linen.

So there you are people, you have been educated! Are there any weird and wonderful sexy facts that you would add to our list? Leave us a comment below. In the mean time, don’t use linen condoms. They didn’t work for Casanova, they are not going to work for you.

Sexy scenes you’ll want to see

We assume you’ve all seen the newly released 50 Shades of Grey and with all the excitement we thought we would revisit some of our favourite sex scenes. These are a few of our sexy favourites, immortalised in gif form for you to enjoy. With all these steamy scenes for us to enjoy, 50 Shades has got its work cut out.

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Gotta love a little James McAvoy in the aptly named Filth. A little bit of choking in the bedroom is always fun.

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It’s hard to beat a bit of Kate Winslet and Leonardo Dicaprio on a bad day, but this steamy Titanic scene is one I like to reminisce about in my um… spare time.

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There are so many great True Blood sex scenes to choose from, but this one should sum up why we love watching this show quite well.

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Of course we can’t forget the steamy scenes between Piper and Alex in Orange is the New Black. Who wouldn’t get excited over lesbian prison sex?

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This slightly bizarre but none the less memorable sex scene from Cosmopolis features Robert Pattinson and Juliette Binoche going to town in the back of a limo. Don’t ask questions, just enjoy.

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You’ve got to love the sexual tension between Brad and Angie in Mr and Mrs Smith, after completely destroying their house and trying to kill each other we can only imagine the what the make-up sex was like.

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The winner for most intense ballerina sex scene has to go to Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis in Black Swan.

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And of course, who could forget this scene from Amelie. Not quite erotic, but it counts as a sex scene so we’re putting it in.

So there you have it, a few of the classics and some others thrown in as well. Filming a good sex scene is no small achievement and these guys pulled it off superbly.

If you think we left any amazing scenes out or want to contribute to our list of steamy on screen encounters then leave a comment below!

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