The idea, or even the very notion of rape may seem like a risky topic to broach, but in fact rape fantasy is one of the most common sexual fantasies for both men and women.
A large part of the appeal, for many women at least, is the absence of guilt because of the lack of consent. As she is not agreeing to have sex with the man, her husband, or boyfriend, or own sense of morality can’t blame her or hold her accountable for the incident.
Repressed and unsatisfied, she may long for the hard and coarse touch of a man, but her dull marriage or own struggles with ‘right and wrong’ may prevent her from giving into her primal urges and exploring her sexuality. In a rape fantasy she doesn’t consent to having wild, dirty sex with the stranger, thus she can’t feel guilty about it.
Another element of rape fantasy for a woman is the feeling of being desired by a red blooded male. He wants her, he needs her, she’s beautiful, sexy and irresistible. Knowing that a man is unable to resist her can make a woman feel confident and desirable, adding to the enjoyment of the fantasy.
Rape fantasy can also be a part of BDSM play; a woman (or man) may enjoy being restrained, gagged and dominated, even whipped, smacked and abused, but in such roleplay there will always be a safe word to signify when the role play has become too intense and it’s time to stop.
However, just because a woman fantasises about being raped when she masturbates, or engages in rape fantasy role play with a partner, does not mean that she wants to be raped in real life. In the majority of female rape fantasies the rapist will be attractive and the woman will experience no serious physical harm. Most importantly though in these fantasies the women finds the experience sexually pleasurable, which is very rarely true of actual rape.
And what of the flip side of this fantasy? What of the men who fantasise about raping women (or other men)? Although rape fantasy is usually something dreamed up by the imagined victim, there are of course men who get off to the idea of forcibly having sex with a non consenting partner.
Before you pass judgement, so long as the man doesn’t actually rape someone, there is nothing ‘wrong’ with a little fantasy play. Whether this is something he fantasises about during masturbation, or something he gets to play out with a willing partner, he is certainly not alone when it comes to sexual tastes.
A study of men in 1980 found that as many as 33% of men fantasised about raping a woman,* but why do men fantasise about forceful sex? For one, it’s the control; some men like the idea of being able to completely control another person, and force them to do things against their will. Control is a big deal for a lot of people, especially when lacking a position of authority in their day to day lives. A person may feel the need to take control of someone else, sexually, to compensate for their subservient role at work or home.
Another part of rape fantasy may be a man’s desire to use a woman as a sexual object; a toy solely for his pleasure. More sadistically though a man may receive sexually gratification when inflicting pain on a woman and seeing her suffer. This of course sounds rather terrible, but within the constraints of a BDSM relationship the idea of giving and receiving pain for sexual enjoyment is quite normal.
So what if you fancy acting out your rape fantasy? How do you go about setting it up?
Well firstly, whose fantasy is it? Are you the ‘victim’ or the ‘rapist’?
If you’re looking to play the victim, you don’t need to worry quite as much about discussing your fantasy with your partner. As long as he doesn’t have a huge problem with the concept (and isn’t a terrible actor) he should be okay with a little “shut up you whore” and tearing off your clothes.
It is important however that you both understand how you want this fantasy to play out before you begin. Is this a fantasy where you give in; “NO! No, no… no… urrrrr…. Oh God yes!”? Or is this a fantasy where you resist until the end? Are you restrained? Does he hit you? Does he use abusive language or does he confess his uncontrollable desire for your stunning body?
There are many different ways a rape fantasy can be played out, so make sure he knows exactly what you want to gain from this experience so you can both enjoy it!
If you’re the man here, looking to play out your fantasy of being a rapist with your partner, you may want to be a little more careful about how you approach the subject. Be prepared for the eventuality that your partner may be surprised, shocked or disgusted, potentially even scared that you’re been an ‘undercover attacker’ the whole time.
However, if you use a lot of tact; carefully explaining that it’s just a fantasy, a bit of fun, exciting, “you might enjoy it”, “we can stop at any time”, etc, than you may just get your way! Like with BDSM however, it is important to agree on a safe word, as if she’s saying “no, no, no, please stop” as a part of the role play, you may not realise when she’s actually not enjoying it. If she suddenly exclaims “Potato!”, you know that playtime is over.
So have fun, but always make sure your partner is having just as much fun as you are!
*(Crépault C, Couture M (1980). “Men’s erotic fantasies”. Arch Sex Behav 9 (6): 565–81)